In Love and War
by Crystallic Rain
Summary: None of it was supposed to happen. Her parents weren't supposed to die, her sister wasn't supposed to hate her, and she definitely wasn't supposed to fall for James Potter, but all is fair in love and war. Lily/James
1. Prologue

**In Love and War:  
Prologue**

**Notes:** Just an idea I had. It's quite long, about ten chapters so far, so just be patient as I edit and submit them. Thank you.

* * *

Lily thought it was all very appropriate. It hadn't rained a bit all summer, until that day.

Her pale fingers twisted tightly around the dark wooden handle of her umbrella, staring blankly ahead.

She was jealous, so _incredibly _jealous of Petunia, sobbing noisily into her fiancé's white handkerchief, his initials VD monogrammed into the bottom corner. Lily wanted more than anything to cry, to prove to her sister that she was grieving their parents as well, to show her how badly it hurt her, too, but she couldn't. She simply stared at the caskets, her gaze as empty as her parents' had been when she'd first seen them after they died.

They hadn't simply died, she reminded herself, they'd been killed, _murdered _by Death Eaters. It had been some sick sort of raid, some mass Muggle murder, and her parents had been a part of it. The Death Eaters had once again been trying to purge the nation of those which they considered unworthy. Her parents had been so brave; they'd told her and her sister to hide, so that they might be saved, and they were...

Lily remembered being so desperately afraid, hugging her legs to her chest, hiding her face in her knees, praying that the Death Eaters wouldn't try to detect any other human lifeforms in the house. She selfishly wished that they would just move on to some other home so that she and her sister might be spared.

She remembered Petunia, silently sobbing, refusing to even look at her. Even in such a time, when they ought have been working together to try to stay alive, she hated Lily. She refused to associate herself with her.

Trying to distract herself from the hatred her sister felt for her, she crawled to the door, staring out the small crack. She watched her parents crumpling to the floor in a flash of green light—first her father, her mother seconds after.

And finally, the two sisters made their way out of the hall closet, their hearts pounding in their throats, and they closely examined their parents, glassy eyes staring at the ceiling, blank expressions etched into every inch of their faces. Lily half-admired them—they didn't seem afraid at all, but, she reminded herself, maybe they didn't quite understand...

Lily closed her eyes tightly, tears still not coming. She wanted so desperately to cry, standing there, thinking of her parents. She wished her mother was there to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and whisper that it would be all right; she wished her father was there to hold her tightly and make her feel safe.

"I hope you're happy." She was slightly startled by the voice, whipping around to see her sister. Her eyes were bloodshot and she looked positively livid.

"Wh-what?" Lily asked, bewildered, simply staring at her sister.

"This is all your fault!" Petunia said shrilly. "If you weren't such a—such a _freak_, we wouldn't be burying our _parents_ today!" She started sobbing hysterically again, and Vernon wrapped his large arms around her, leading her away without even a glance at Lily.

The umbrella fell to Lily's side, her fingers still tightly wound around its sleek handle.

It _was _her fault, she told herself. Petunia had been right, completely right. If she hadn't been told seven years before that she was a witch, that magic blood was pumping through her body, none of this would have happened. She would not be burying her parents prematurely, _so_ long before they should have died.

It was all her fault.

The rain was chilling her to the bone, her soaked hair sticking to her pale face, her black dress hanging limply on her skin. She wanted more than anything just to cry, to remind herself that she was still alive, that this pain was real, but tears still would not come.

"Lily..."

The voice she heard this time was weak, and unwantedly familiar. She turned, staring straight into the raven eyes of Severus Snape.

Anger boiled inside her. People like him had done this to her parents, how _dare_ he show his face at the service? What had possessed him, what made him think that this was okay, that she'd want him there?

"Lily, I'm _so_ sorry..."

Her head was throbbing. _Sorry_? He was _sorry_? How could he expect apologies to bring her parents back from the dead, to make Petunia love her again, to make her his friend again? It was such a small, meaningless word and she hoped she'd never hear him use it again.

Her face remained expressionless and she pushed herself past him, her shoulder colliding sharply with his, the most she could do to make him understand how furious she was to see him.

It was all because of people like him, she told herself, people who toyed with Dark Magic and other things that weren't meant to be touched. And to think that they'd once been friends...

Lily wished she could cry, her heart shattered into a million pieces, but she couldn't. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he'd hurt her, that he'd killed _her _the day her parents had died.


	2. Chapter One

**In Love and War:****  
Chapter One**

**Notes: **Next chapter, edited and the like. Enjoy.

* * *

Two long weeks had passed since the burial of Lily's mother and father. Finally September first had made its way to her, and she graciously accepted the chance to leave the house she was sharing with Petunia. She hated seeing the rooms filled with boxes as her sister packed their life away, determined to put it all in the past and simply forget.

Lily just wanted an escape to normalcy, or as close she could get. That meant returning to her true home, Hogwarts.

After the train ride, however, as the students piled into the formerly horseless carriages, the brief sense of normalcy already disappeared—Lily now was able to see the horrible winged creatures. The bright witch she was, she knew them to be thestrals from reading and vague allusions in different classes, recognising them from sketches and lengthy descriptions. As the students emerged from the carriages in front of the school, Lily stared at the creatures, shivering slightly, registering the reason that she could now see them. Just a few weeks before, they'd still been invisible to her, but now they stood before her, throwing their heads back and presenting her with a constant, physical reminder of the deaths she'd witnessed.

"Aren't you coming, Lily?" came a familiar voice.

Lily turned to smile at Alice Kirke and Mary Macdonald, her two best friends, both residing with her in Gryffindor. They'd accompanied her there, riding with her from the platform to the familiar castle entrance, where they stood looking at her questioningly, unable to see the animal which mesmerised. her in this manner. "In a moment," she said. "You two go ahead."

They nodded, leaving Lily to be alone with the thestral.

She gently reached out her hand, feeling the animal's warm, sleek face, tiny puffs of misty air emitting themselves from its nose as it exhaled; after a moment, she moved her reach up and tangled her fingers in its dark mane.

"They're beautiful, really, aren't they?"

She jumped slightly, staring up at James Potter for a moment before her gaze returned to the beast.

"Yes," she whispered hoarsely. "They are."

James gently patted the animal's nose. "It's a pity that they're associated with such a horrible thing, that you can only see them if you've seen death..."

She suddenly felt a great pain in her chest at his words, realising how true they were. She hated these beautiful creatures, merely because she could see them. She didn't want to see them; she'd rather her parents had never died...

Suddenly unable to breathe, Lily quickly removed her hand from the beast's hair, rushing off into the castle. Moments later, she stopped in her tracks, causing people behind her to push past, jostling her slightly, but she didn't care. Why was she standing before the Great Hall like this, ready to go in and celebrate the new school term? She was in no mood for such a thing. Then, the final students filed in, and Lily was left alone.

Not a moment later, Lily could hear the familiar calls of Professor McGonagall, asking the First Years to be quiet before she ushered them into the Hall to be sorted. Lily breathed, swiftly turning on her heel and walking to the left, making her way toward Gryffindor Tower.

She hadn't gone too far when she realised that she didn't know the password for the common room, changed for the new school year. Mentally cursing, she turned back, angrily staring at the stones beneath her feet. A minute later, her complete inattentiveness caused her to collide with another body.

She sat on the floor, rubbing her elbow which had painfully collided with the cold stone.

"Sorry," she heard him mutter, holding out his hand to help her up. Her head rose sharply, staring at none other than James Potter, once again.

She took his hand graciously, brushing off her school robes once she was securely on her feet again. "Thanks," she murmured. "Er, you wouldn't happen to know the password to—"

"To the common room?" he asked, smiling slightly. "I might. That's just where I was headed."

"Surely you don't want to miss the feast," Lily said, slightly disapproving.

He shrugged. "The House Elves are quite fond of me. I'm sure they wouldn't object if I visited the kitchens later."

A smile tugged on Lily's lips, and James smoothly draped his arm around her shoulder, leading her in the direction of the common room. She wasn't sure why, but she allowed his arm to remain around her; something about it made her feel safe, something she hadn't felt since after her parents died.

Moments later, the couple arrived in the warmth and coziness of the common room, and, to Lily's dismay, he dropped his arm from its position around her shoulders. She found herself half-afraid that he'd leave, and she wasn't sure she wanted to be completely alone, just yet.

Thankfully, he seemed to grasp that she was looking for company, and he smiled thoughtfully.

"Fancy a game of chess?" he asked her.

She opened her mouth, smiling slightly despite herself. "I've never really played, to be completely honest. I was never good at the Muggle version."

James's hand flew to his chest, gasping dramatically and feigning disbelief. "Perfect Lily Evans, amazing at all she tries, can't play a simple game of chess?"

"Hey!" she laughed. "Chess is _not_ simple. I don't understand how _anyone_ can remember how all the pieces go."

James shook his head. "That's because you're not playing with enchanted pieces," he smiled. "Certainly they'll be able to give you some guidance."

"Fine," she replied, folding her arms in amusement. "I suppose you have an extra set?"

"But of course," he told her. "They're up in the boys' dormitory. Care to accompany me?" he asked, holding out his arm so that she might take his elbow. She smiled, taking it and following him up the stairs opposite those to her own dormitory. It felt strange to her, walking up the stairs with, of all people, James Potter.

They reached the door and she released him, staring around the room before her. It seemed a bit like a mirror image of the room she shared with Alice, Mary, and her other housemates, but with a distinct masculine touch. She smiled to herself as James went to the second bed in from the door, the same exact bed which she had chosen for herself in her dormitory. Next to his bed, closest to the door, was unmistakably the bed belonging to Sirius, his trunk battered not from age but carelessness, his clothes poking out as though he'd simply thrown them all in messily. On the other side of James was Remus, his name sleekly imprinted on his smooth, clean trunk—Lily guessed that, had she opened it, it would have been completely organised, and it probably stayed that way all year. Then, she thought, must be Peter, as if the four were inseparable when awake, they were surely the same way asleep, which left Frank Longbottom to take the furthest bed.

She quietly stood by, watching, as James kneeled at the foot of his bed, rifling through his things. She smiled at the site of his trunk, so very unlike her own. While hers was kept pristine, just as new as the day she'd bought it, his was hardly recognisable. The outside was almost completely covered in everything from stickers to photographs, both moving and still. It seemed completely his own, from the Muggle bumper sticker sporting a picture of a deer to a photograph of him and his three best friends, laughing, without a care in the world, taken many years ago.

"Got it!"

He startled her slightly when he jumped up, holding triumphantly in his hand a lumpy drawstring pouch. He tossed it to her and she caught it, opening it to see the worn pieces within.

"That was my first set," he said, taking out another small bag from his trunk because kicking it shut. They then began making their way back into the common room. "They'd been my dad's before that. You can have them, if you like."

"Oh," she muttered, amazed by his kindness. "I... Thank you."

He smiled as they took seats opposite each other, laying out the pieces on the monochrome board. James immediately began explaining things rapidly, trying to give her pointers.

"I'll go easy on you," he assured her several times, and she nodded helplessly, her head swimming with everything he'd tried to tell her.

Less than fifteen minutes later, nearly all of Lily's pieces lay in a crumpled heap to the side of the board, and she was hopelessly gathering them back into the pouch James had given her.

"I thought Peter was rotten at chess," he said, amusement thick in his voice, "but that was pathetic, Evans."

She made a face at him, dropping her last piece into the bag. "I thought you were going easy on me, Potter."

"I did," he sighed, shaking his head. "It's a damn good thing you're keeping those because you definitely need the practice."

"Prat," she said, sticking her tongue out.

He placed his hand over his heart. "You wound me."

She smiled, pocketing the chess pieces and taking a seat on the sofa in front of the fire. He took a seat next to her, and she felt a continued sense of beautiful comfort. She closed her eyes, taking in the feeling.

Suddenly, despite her efforts to prevent it, she felt her mind wandering, visiting all those moments she knew better than to dwell on. She tried to concentrate on the moment, to think of James sitting next to her, the jokes they'd made over chess, but thoughts of her parents, glazed eyes staring into nothingness, limbs completely limp and motionless...

Her eyes popped open and she grabbed her chest, suddenly overcome with a sense of overwhelming anxiety. She felt as though her lungs were tearing, her ribcage suddenly ten sizes too small. She was gasping for breath, trying to forget the panic she felt when the thought of her parents.

James immediately put his arms awkwardly around her, rubbing her back, pulling her into him, her shoulder colliding with his collar bone. "It's okay, Lily," he cooed. "Shh... it's all right."

She nodded quickly, putting one cold hand to her forehead, the other grasping James's arm tightly. She squeezed her eyes shut, taking slow, deep breaths, putting every ounce of effort she had into listening to his voice, feeling his warm breath in her ear. The moment she felt calm, she pulled away, embarrassed by what she saw as a foolish reaction.

James smiled sadly at her, tucking a strand of scarlet hair behind her ear. "It gets easier," he whispered. "I promise."

His words seemed so strange, so eerily perfect for the time that he must have understood completely. It occurred to her, then, that he honestly must have, thinking briefly of their encounter earlier in the evening...

"Can I ask you something?"

"You just did," he told her, winning the smallest of smiles. "But yes, you can. Ask away."

Lily inhaled deeply, searching for words, staring down at the hem of her shirt, which she was running between her fingers. She bit her lip, her gaze returning to James. "Who did you see die?"

He paused for a moment. "My grandparents."

"Oh," she muttered. "I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "I was really young, so I don't really remember it."

"Have you been able to see them since you got here, then? The thestrals, I mean?" she asked curiously.

He nodded. "Ever since my first year. Sirius thought I was out of my mind, the way I was babbling about them at the feast. He thought he'd made friends with the wrong kid," he said, grinning at the memory.

She laughed the smallest of laughs before stopping herself.

"You're allowed to laugh, you know," James told her. "You're allowed to be happy."

"No," she said, shaking her head, standing up from her seat on the couch. "I'm _grieving_."

James followed her. "A lot of people are grieving, Lily. I am—my father died the end of last year, and it _still_ hurts. It's completely natural, but you can't let it take up your entire life. How do you think your parents would feel, knowing how you're continuously dwelling on it?"

She bit her lip. "They wouldn't like it. They'd say that they're not worth me getting this upset over."

"They'd be right," he said. "Mourn their deaths, but don't forget to live your own."

She smiled at him, feeling his words pervade her body, down to her very soul. It had been a loss, but she couldn't keep herself from moving on, and she certainly didn't want to keep herself from ever being happy again.

"Thank you," she finally managed to say, quickly hugging him. "Well, I... I better go to bed. Everyone's going to be up in a bit, and I'm not really in the mood to talk to anyone else..."

He nodded, giving a quick wave of the hand as she left. She turned, hearing him sigh, knowing that at that exact moment he was undoubtedly weaving his hands through his jet black hair, thinking about the night, and she smiled even wider. She was all too aware that it was the same exact James Potter as it had always been.

Yet she couldn't help asking herself what it was that _had_ changed...


	3. Chapter Two

**In Love and War:  
Chapter Two**

**Notes:** Chapter two. Yay? Hopefully I'll be able to keep updating this regularly.

* * *

"Where were you last night, Lily?"

She looked up from her breakfast at her two best friends, each of whom were looking questioningly at her.

"Yeah," Alice agreed, glancing at Mary, then back to Lily. "You said you'd meet up with us, but then you never showed."

Lily shrugged. "I don't know, I just wasn't up for the feast."

"That's like the excuses Alice gives when she's _really_ off snogging Frank," Mary said teasingly, pouring herself some coffee.

Alice made a face. "Yes, well, we all know that Lily wouldn't skip the beginning of the year feast to be with a boy. Isn't that right?"

Silence seemed to ring among the three of them, so strange in the noisy Hall.

Mary raised her eyebrows. "Lily?"

Lily bit her lip. "Well, I... I mean..."

"Merlin's pants!" Alice exclaimed, dropping her fork. "Our little Lily missed dinner to snog a boy!"

"There was no _snogging_, Alice," she said.

"Ooh," Mary laughed, "so there _is_ a boy."

Lily hid her face in her hands, wishing that she hadn't said anything. It had always been the same with them, and though she dreaded and questions they'd ask and the conclusions they'd jump to, she loved the routine it brought her back into, the way it distracted her from everything.

Suddenly, Alice gasped quite audibly, almost knocking her entire plate to the floor. Lily was afraid that she would make the exclamation she foresaw just as loudly, but thankfully, she lowered her voice to a whisper. "_James Potter _wasn't here for the feast last night, either!"

Mary put a hand to her mouth, her grin still visible behind it. "Lily..." she said, rounding on her. "You _didn't_."

"You're right," she said, very seriously. "I _didn't_. I didn't snog Potter, and I definitely have no intention of doing so, either. We just... talked."

"That's also what Alice says," Mary said, sticking her tongue out at the pouting brunette before turning back to Lily.

"I'm serious, guys," Lily sighed, smiling. "I am not _interested _in Potter."

"Hmm," Mary responded thoughtfully. "The blush on your cheeks definitely says otherwise."

Reflexively, Lily placed her hands to her cheeks, desperately trying to hide the creeping pink flush. "I really _loathe_ you two," she said jokingly, pushing her plate aside. "We just talked and he taught me how to play chess—"

"So that's what they call it these days," Alice said teasingly, and Mary sniggered.

"Oh, grow up, you two!" Lily said, shaking her head.

"What did you two talk about?" Alice asked.

She paused. "My parents," Lily muttered.

"Oh god," Mary breathed. "Lily, I—"

She waved her hand. "It's not a big deal. You guys didn't know."

"We were being insensitive," Alice told her.

"Really," Lily said, forcing a smile, pushing herself up from the table. The laughter had completely died from their conversation, and it made Lily feel uncomfortable. "I'm fine."

"Where are you off to?" Alice asked, looking at her, slightly confused.

Lily shrugged. "I just... I need a moment." She swiftly walked out of the Great Hall, down the steps and out the large entrance doors. She inhaled deeply, taking in the autumn air. It was slightly chilling against her bare arms, but she didn't turn back for a jacket. She simply stared ahead, looking at the brilliant fall colours before her. Her feet seemed to carry her down to the lake, stopping just a few metres away, gazing at the glassy water.

"Hey, Evans."

She jumped, whipping around to see James, sitting on a tree limb, just above her.

"You seem to pop up just about everywhere, don't you, Potter?" Lily asked, smiling.

"Actually," he said, swinging down from the tree, landing on his feet, "I was here first. Careful, or I might get the idea that you're stalking me."

She shook her head, the grin never fading from her lips. "Can I ask you something?" she said, looking at him sideways.

"You just did," he teased again, just as the night before.

She made a face at him before continuing, "Why did you save Sev—_Snape_—two years ago?"

James paused. "You heard about that?"

"Yes," she said, catching the slightly worried look on his face, "and don't worry, I've known—about Remus, I mean—for ages."

"Ages?" he asked. "It took us the better part of a two years."

She smiled. "Well, I might have exaggerated."

"Good to know." He ran his fingers through his hair thoughtfully. "So why did I save Snape?"

She nodded. It had been a question burning inside her for what seemed like forever, but she never dared to ask him, and it only ever infuriated Severus.

"Because it was the right thing to do," he said, shrugging. "Sirius was a bloody idiot..."

Lily stared at him. "I—I don't quite understand. I know that Snape always blamed you two, but..."

James sighed, taking a seat in the grass, damp from the morning dew. "Padfoot thought it would be brilliantly funny to tell Snape to go down that tunnel underneath the Whomping Willow on the night of the full moon, but he was being an arrogant prat. It's something we never discuss, because he didn't take anyone's feelings into account with it, especially Remus's."

"So Snape listened to him and went down there?" she asked, and James nodded. "Was he really that bloody stupid?"

James raised an eyebrow. "Well, you already know that I think Snape is an idiot, primarily because he was able to muck things up with you, but I don't think we're quite on the same page."

Lily sat next to James, sighing. "For ages before that, Snape had been telling me his theories about Remus being a werewolf. I remember, I always tried to convince him he was wrong. If he really thought it of Remus, though, why would he go down there? Wouldn't he figure it out..?"

James smiled. "You have an effect on people, Evans. Maybe you really did convince him, or at least made him doubt himself considerably."

She exhaled deeply, pulling up innocent blades of grass and peeling them apart. "So how did you find out about what Black was doing?"

"He told me. Thought we could have a good laugh about it," he said, weaving his fingers through his hair once again. "Obviously he was wrong. The second he told me I ran down to the Whomping Willow and pulled Snape back." He paused. "Sadly, I wasn't quick enough. He caught a glimpse of Remus transforming."

"Oh," Lily muttered. "I hadn't realised—he never said—neither did Remus—"

"Dumbledore made him swear not to tell," James told her. "All he had were his 'theories', which suddenly became based on fact when he saw Remus. That's all in the past, now, though." He shook his head at the memory. "That was the worst _week _we've ever seen. I didn't think Remus and Sirius would survive as friends, and I was right in the middle, their bloody messenger who didn't want to pick a side."

"At least you're all friends again, now," Lily said, patting his hand.

"Haven't been apart a day since," James smiled, picking himself up from the ground, then offering a hand to Lily. "I reckon classes are about to begin. Besides, we'll be spending plenty of time together, now."

She looked at him curiously. "Er, why is that exactly?"

"Has nobody told you?" he asked, grinning broadly. "I've been named Head Boy."

It hadn't even occurred to her to ask anyone who had been named Head Boy, and it naturally came as a surprise to her. He'd never been prefect before, she hadn't even seen him at the prefects' meeting on the train. It made sense, of course—he knew the password to the common room, after all—but she never would have guessed.

"Congratulations!" she said, quickly recovering from her shock. "I look forward to duty with you."

He smiled. "And I look forward to it as well. Now, after you, Miss Evans," he said, ushering her back to the castle with a grand gesture.

Classes seemed to go by more slowly than ever before. Her N.E.W.T.-level classes were the same as they'd always been, filled with the same students as the year before, the same teachers with the exception of Defence Against the Dark Arts, but suddenly they seemed to be snailing by painfully. She smiled, remembering the day she'd decided on her class schedule with McGonagall, a year and a half ago.

"You have _no_ idea what you want to do, Miss Evans?" her teacher had asked, sighing exasperatedly. Lily shook her head, feeling mildly offended. She half-wanted to object, to argue that most Muggles in university change what they're studying a dozen times before they graduate, and even then most of them don't know what they want to _do._

She couldn't quite understand why it was so crucial, at the age of sixteen, to decide what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. After all, she had so much time ahead of her. Why did she need to choose so soon?

Suddenly, Lily was knocked out of her revelry, the bell signaling the end of class sounding throughout the school.

"Remember, class!" Professor Slughorn cried after the dispersing students. "I expect two rolls of parchment on truth serums by Monday!"

Lily sighed, scribbling the assignment in her notebook. Her first class back and already potions was looking to be ridiculously hard. She half-wondered if Slughorn expected his students to eventually make Veritaserum, which he'd talked about the entire period, one of the hardest potions known to wizard-kind.

"Lily," came that horribly familiar voice, again.

She unwillingly looked up, staring into the eyes of Severus Snape. "I'm not going to talk to you, Snape."

"Of course you're not," he spat angrily, folding his arms. "You're too bloody stubborn and proud—"

"Is there a problem here?"

Lily whipped around, her cheeks completely flushed. She suddenly felt relaxed when she noticed that James was standing behind her, his eyebrows raised as he looked at Snape.

"Just two old friends chatting, Potter," Snape said coolly.

"Funny," James said, feigning confusion. "I don't see any of your evil little Death Eater friends here, Snivelly."

Lily sat frozen, James standing next to her chair, and Severus across from them, his eyes narrowed. She was waiting for the sparks to fly.

"You're too stupid to understand—"

"Actually," James interrupted, "it appears to me that you don't understand. Why can't you get it through your thick skull that Lily doesn't want to associate herself with you?"

Suddenly, it happened. Snape's hand flew to his robes pocket, pulling his wand out and pointing it directly between James's eyes.

Lily jumped to her feet, grabbing the wrist of the boy next to her. "Let's go, James," she muttered.

Severus laughed. "On a first-name basis, now, are we? You know what, _James_? You can keep that filthy little mudblood—"

_THWACK_. James yanked his arm from Lily's grasp, slamming his fist into Snape's face in one, fluid movement.

"James!" Lily screeched, covering her mouth with her hands.

James turned to her, biting his bottom lip and massaging his hand. "I'm sorry, I—"

"_Sectumsempra_!" Snape cried from the floor, aiming his arm under the table.

Lily screamed as James gasped in pain, clutching his arm which was bleeding profusely. He fell to his knees, eyes squeezed shut in pain.

"What did you do?" Lily asked Snape furiously, taking a handkerchief from her bag and putting it to James's arm.

"Lily, I—"

"Get out!" she yelled angrily, helping James up. She didn't even turn to watch as he ran out of the classroom. "Are you all right?" she asked James nervously. "Can you make it to the hospital wing?"

"Yeah," James gasped, placing his hand over Lily's, putting more pressure on the wound.

Later, when asked, Lily was unable to tell her friends how she managed to get to the hospital wing with James. The next thing she remembered was sitting anxiously beside his bed as Madam Pomphrey bustled around him.

Lily noticed her frowning as she wrapped the bandage around James's arm. "You know, Mr. Potter," she said, "I don't usually ask questions because _Merlin knows_ what you students here do, but—"

"But?" he asked, wincing in pain.

"This was Dark Magic," she said grimly. "Whoever did this is toying with something much bigger than himself. Did you see who did it?"

James glanced at Lily, who was staring blankly at the bedsheets. She couldn't even seem to breathe, simply gazing ahead.

"No," James said shortly.

Madam Pomphrey clicked her tongue. "They always seem to attack from behind..."

"Is he okay?" Lily asked, hoping to change the topic.

The witch smiled kindly at her. "I did all that I could. He might have a bit of a scar, as that was some nasty magic, but he'll certainly live." She nodded at them, bustling out of the room, back to her office.

"I'm so sorry," James murmured. "I lost my temper with Snape..."

Lily stared at him, bewildered. "He hit you with that—that _horrible_ curse and _you're _apologising?"

"After all the times you just told me to leave him alone, I should have. I got what I deserved."

"You're a bloody idiot, you know, Potter," Lily sighed, folding her arms. "Not because you hit him, but because you didn't tell Madam Pomphrey. What he did—"

"What he did was stupid. I'm fine and I'll get over it."

"And what," Lily whispered sombrely, "if you didn't? If his aim hadn't been off..."

"I'd never give Snape the satisfaction of killing me," James said, half-laughing.

"It's not funny!" Lily sighed, standing up.

"I'm fine," James said, pulling himself off the bed and giving her a quick hug. "Come on, it's getting late and I'm starved. Shall we go to dinner?"

Lily smiled reluctantly. "Let's go."


	4. Chapter Three

**In Love and War:  
Chapter Three**

**Notes:** Next chapter. Enjoy.

* * *

Lily wasn't sure what on earth had possessed her to come, meeting him in that dark, abandoned, dungeon hallway, so late at night. Alice and Mary had warned her that it wasn't a very good idea, but she was filled with such deep-seated emotions that she felt compelled to, and she knew she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she didn't. Now, she thought it was a mistake. It had been a couple weeks since it had all happened; certainly nothing would have changed since then. It hadn't in a year and a half, why would it have then?

Some tiny piece of her just wanted things to go back to normal.

"You came."

She turned, watching him walk smoothly toward her. It felt so unreal, like something out of a dream. She hadn't really known what to expect—perhaps that he wouldn't show?

"Why did you want to see me, Snape?" she asked, her voice filled with coldness.

"I wanted to apologise," he said sadly. "I lost my temper and I—I didn't mean—"

"You never mean anything, do you?" she asked, her voice shaking very slightly with anger. "You've now _twice_ called me a mudblood, and you tried to _kill_ James, but you didn't _mean_ it?"

"I didn't want to kill him."

"You certainly came close!"

His black eyes were bulging. "I—but—he hit me first!"

"In response to your insults!"

"Damn it, Lily!" Snape said, throwing his arms into the air.

"What?" she snapped. "Going to insult me again? What can you call me that's worse than that, you ignorant git?"

"Don't you—"

"You said," Lily went on in dangerously low voice, "that it didn't matter. You said that being a Muggle-born didn't make any difference."

"You don't understand!"

"What don't I understand?" she asked furiously. "Tell me, because right now, the only thing that I feel I don't understand is how someone like you could be so cruel."

"I don't care that your parents were Muggles," he said, desperately trying to make her see. "It's not about blood."

"You made it about blood, Snape," she retorted, folding her arms. "The second you called me that horrible name, you made it about blood. When are you going to see that you can't take back the things you've said?"

"So you're just going to forget everything else?" Severus asked. "Everything that I've done for you? How much I've cared for you, since we were little?"

"The good doesn't cancel out all the bad you've done."

Snape laughed coldly. "Then it shouldn't for that prat _Potter, _either!"

Lily's cheeks flushed. "It's completely different."

"How?"

"I've told you before! The things you and your friends do are _evil. _It's _Dark Magic_. Even Madam Pomphrey realised, that spell you used against Potter... He didn't say it was you, but she looked _horrified_ that anyone could do that, and I was, too!"

"Damn it!" Snape yelled, causing Lily to jump as his voice rang throughout the hall. "You don't get it! You have that stupid git always there for you now, standing up for you and being your little _hero_. Ever since your parents died, you've been this ugly, broken mess and you can't even see it!"

--

She stared at the ceiling, not really seeing what was there. It seemed as though she was looking past it, through it, seeing the afternoon sky.

She rolled over on her side, pulling the covers over the top of her head. She peered at the clock on her bedside table, not understanding the time that it read. He was right, she told herself. She was broken and it was disgusting. She felt so weak and hopeless. She didn't want to fight, any more

She vaguely wondered how many classes she'd missed during the day, not that she cared. She wondered if anyone did. Someone must have noticed, but nobody had come up to visit her in her little hiding place in bed.

She rolled back onto her stomach, pressing her face into her pillow, her hot breath feeling warm on her cheeks. She vaguely wondered if she would suffocate if she stayed there long enough; it was a definite possibility.

She pulled the blankets even closer to her body, but it was no use. It was an inner chill she felt, as though her blood and bones were made of snow and ice. There was nothing she could do to feel the warmth she missed so dearly. She wondered if she'd ever feel it again.

She squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to think of something—anything. She wanted to just forget the things that Snape had said. She wanted to forget how much he made her hurt.

Her eyes popped open suddenly and she flopped onto her back. She blinked at the evening light, filtering into her room. Her jaw felt sore and her face felt hot, and without even looking at the clock beside her bed, she knew she'd fallen asleep for several hours. Lily swallowed hard, her throat feeling dry, her head pounding.

She sighed, pulling herself out of bed. She felt so filthy, still in her pyjamas. Her hair felt matted in the ponytail she'd put it in the night before, and she wanted more than anything to just wash her face and brush her teeth. She breathed deeply and stumbled into the small bathroom she shared with her roommates.

Lily quickly grabbed her toothbrush, shoving it into her mouth and scrubbing fiercely. She looked sadly into the mirror, wishing suddenly she had more to clean herself with than simply hot water. Maybe, she told herself, she could go down to the Prefects' bathroom and take a long bath, clear her body and mind. After all, everyone else was as dinner, so she wouldn't be disturbed.

She spit into the sink, ambling back into the bedroom, next to her trunk. She grabbed a clean change of clothes, making her way to the bathroom with sudden speed and determination. She wanted to remain unnoticed in her messy state.

The room was empty, much to Lily's delight. She inhaled the scent of the clean bathroom, feeling even dirtier than she had before, but she shook off the sensation, hastily turning on the bath water and watching the massive tub fill.

Lily swiftly slipped her pyjamas off, sliding into the bath. The water burned her naked body but she didn't care, letting the clean water sear her skin.

Inhaling deeply, Lily sunk under the surface. She let it wash over her, taking in the sensation completely. The pressure of the water around her was exhilarating, forcing all other worries out of her mind. She just focused on that which immediately surrounded her.

After a moment, she emerged again, breaking through the glassy surface of the water. She felt it dripping down her face, her scarlet hair in her eyes and mouth.

The water suddenly felt grimy to her, and Lily pulled herself out, immediately wrapping herself in a fluffy white towel, watching the bath drain. She groped her pyjamas for her wand, swiftly casting a spell to dry her hair and body. She let her towel slip off of her, onto the floor, and immediately dressed herself once again, hastily twisting her hair into a plait down her back.

"Lily?"

The voice made her jump, whipping around to see a figure opening the bathroom door.

"Bloody hell, Potter," she murmured, grabbing her heart, staring at the figure before her. She was thankful she was such a quick dresser. "You scared me half to death."

He smiled sheepishly. "I didn't mean to."

She sighed, grinning nervously at him. "So... er... what brings you here?" she asked, trying to fill the awkward silence with conversation.

"Looking for you, actually," he told her, approaching.

"Oh?" she asked, pushing her dirty clothes under the sink with her foot. "And why is that?"

"I haven't seen you all day," he said kindly. "I was worried, to be honest."

"Really?"

He nodded. "Alice and Mary said you were probably just feeling sick and we'd see you at dinner, but when you weren't there... Well, I thought I'd look for you."

"Well, you found me," she said bluntly, turning away.

"What's wrong?"

Lily laughed coldly. "A lot."

James frowned, stepping close to her. "Is this about your parents?"

She shook her head. "It's not that simple."

He paused, biting his lip. "Snape?" he asked softly. "Alice mentioned you went to see him."

"Alice has a big mouth," she muttered.

"What did he say to you?"

"It doesn't matter."

"If it's upsetting you," James went on, "then it most certainly does matter."

"He said that I'm an ugly, broken mess," she said shortly, "and he's right."

"Hardly," James said, disgusted.

"He's _right_," Lily urged. "Ever since my parents died I've been acting so stupid and pathetic, and I hate it."

"You couldn't be more wrong!" James told her, reaching his hand out. Instead, she moved away, separating the two of them with a small, decorative table.

"You don't get it, Potter! I'm completely useless and broken," she said, cheeks filled with angry colour. She took a crystal vase in her hands, smashing it into the table below. She felt the shards of glass pierce her skin, creating a dozen tiny cuts on her palms. The pain burned but she ignored it. "This," she breathed, "is me."

She fell to her knees, running her injured hand through her hair, already falling out of its braid. She wanted _so_ desperately to cry, to let her built-up emotions pour out of her, but she couldn't.

"There's nothing wrong with being broken," James whispered, crouching down in front of her. "Everyone breaks, but we all get put back together. Sometimes, it just takes a little work and some help from others." He smiled gently at her, reaching up on the table grasping one of the largest shards of broken glass. He pulled out his wand, igniting it and holding it next to the crystal. "Besides," he said softly, "even something completely broken can be something very beautiful."

He nodded toward the wall, and Lily turned, mesmerised by the rainbow appearing. She glanced back at James, watching him hold the glass, shining his wand through it much like a prism.

She stared at him, and he looked back down to her. He smiled, brushing her hair out of her face, his hand lingering on her cheek for a moment longer than necessary.

Her heart suddenly felt as though it was beating so loudly that _surely _he could hear it, pounding uncomfortably fast in her chest. She wished she could remember how to breathe because her lungs were starting to feel empty, and her chest was increasingly tight. She wondered if he could tell, if maybe he was feeling the same way.

He pressed his lips to her forehead and Lily was certain that her chest was about to explode. She wasn't sure what to do, or what she felt; she wasn't even sure that what happening to her was real and not just her imagination. She reflexively put her hand to the back of his head, twisting one of his locks around her finger as she hardly breathed.

Suddenly, his lips found her jawline, then her cheek, and she felt herself blushing furiously at their touch. She was so thankful that the lighting was dim so that he might not notice.

James pulled away for a second and Lily found herself wanting more, longing for his lips to return to her, for his hands to find her waist and help her feel safe and warm, again. She looked deeply into his hazel eyes and he seemed to sense her yearning, leaning in and finding her mouth, each hand planted firmly on either one of her cheeks.

It was so strange, she thought. His lips felt so delightfully moist against hers, so soft and smooth. She wondered how long she could stay in that moment, just feeling, existing in his presence.

And though the kiss only lasted for a brief second, she wished it could have lasted forever.


	5. Chapter Four

**In Love and War:  
Chapter Four**

**Notes:** Sorry it took a while to get this up. I write primarily on my laptop, which has no internet access, and my flash drive is broken, so it's been slightly problematic. Hopefully I'll be updating more quickly in the future.

* * *

"Wait," Lily gasped, pulling away. Her heart was pounding and her face felt quite warm.

"What is it?" James asked, looking at her worriedly.

"I can't do this," she muttered. "I can't."

"I'm sorry," James said, standing up. He walked over to the door, staring at his hands. "I know I shouldn't have done anything, I was just under the impression..."

"No!" Lily said. "I didn't mean—"

"You've told me a hundred times that you don't like me," he smiled sadly. "I should have listened to you."

"_Stop_," she pleaded, following him to the door.

"Lily, I care about you. A lot. You know that I do. I just have to know," he said solemnly, "what you want from this—for us."

She stared at him nervously, willing herself to speak. "You're my friend," she found herself saying. "A really good friend. All the things you've done for me this year..."

He nodded, smiling. "So we're friends. Just friends. I can deal with that."

She regretted saying it the moment he replied. "That's not what I meant—"

"It's no big deal," he said. "Let's just forget that any of this happened."

--

It was so incredibly strange. Lily had never seemed to notice the speed at which Hogwarts gossip travelled until she was the object of such a thing.

She wasn't even sure how such rumours had gotten started. She certainly wasn't the type of person to kiss and tell, and she didn't think James would ever do so, either.

No, she told herself, he would probably tell someone the minute he had the chance, but only Sirius. She wondered if Sirius had anything to gain by telling the entire school that she had kissed his best friend.

The thought of the humiliating conversation that had followed the kiss, however, reassured her immediately that she had nothing to worry about on his part.

The laughter of a nearby portrait startled her, and she stared at the pictures surrounding her. Certainly it was possible, she told herself, that the paintings talked. In fact, it seemed only natural. Perhaps one of them had noticed her with James the night before, maybe that's how it started...

"Lily!"

She turned, watching Alice quickly approaching her. Her large, round eyes were even bigger than normal, staring at Lily.

"You would _not_ believe some of the things I've heard around the school!"

Lily sighed, starting to walk again. "Oh, I think that I would."

"I just finished telling some fourth years off for saying something completely _ridiculous_ about you."

"I bet," Lily muttered.

"What's up with you?" Alice asked, folding her arms.

"Nothing," Lily sighed, waving her hand dismissively. "Go on."

The two girls stepped into the library, setting their books down at a table and each taking a seat.

"Well, I've heard about a hundred different stories, and I just _had_ to ask you if they were true," Alice said, staring at Lily. "I mean, I trust you completely, and I know you tell me everything, but these rumours are flying like _mad_."

Lily didn't look up from the massive textbook sitting in front of her.

"Well," Alice pressed on, "they were saying things about you and James Potter."

"Oh?"

"Yes. And, well, like I said, I just had to ask if they were true."

Lily tucked some of her hair behind her ear, finally understanding that Alice was looking for permission, so she obliged in half-heartedly urging her on. "I can tell you're just dying to know."

The question came immediately after she'd finished her sentence. "Are you secretly dating James?"

"No," Lily told her.

"Did he have his way with you in a broom closet?"

Lily raised an eyebrow, staring at Alice before shaking her head and returning to her book. "No."

Alice sighed. "So he _didn't _snog you?"

"Nope," Lily repeated after a pause.

"Not even a _kiss_?"

Lily bit her lip, gazing blurrily at the words on the page. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to say.

"_Lily_?" Alice asked, her eyebrows arched. "You didn't!"

Lily quickly shut her book, looking at Alice through pleading eyes. "Look, I—"

"So you two _are_ secretly dating!"

Lily shook her head. "We're _not_ dating."

Alice blinked at her. "Why not?" she asked. "You said that you two kissed."

"Yeah," Lily said quietly, glancing around nervously, "we did."

"Then why aren't you two a couple?"

"It's... complicated," Lily murmured.

Alice rolled her eyes. "I know complicated, Lily. Just tell me what's up."

The redhead sighed, fingering the corner of the book in front of her, just giving her something to do. "I like him..."

"Which is obvious," Alice smiled.

Lily smiled in return at her before looking back at the table, frowning. "I'm not convinced that I like him like _that,_ though_._ You know, enough to... _date_ him."

"I've seen the way you look at him," Alice said kindly. "The way your cheeks blush and your eyes light up when someone even mentions him. I've been worried about you since you and Snape stopped being friends, and you know it, but since your parents died... I never thought I'd see you look so... _alive_ again." She reached out, placing a hand on Lily's. "I can tell James makes you happy, and you positively glow whenever he's around."

Lily stared at her, her mouth slightly open in a smile before frowning. "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I somehow ruined everything."

"What d'you mean?" Alice inquired.

"I told him that he's been a really good friend and—"

"Oh, you _didn't_."

Lily crossed her arms defensively. "I don't see why suddenly being 'a friend' is such a bad thing."

"It's not, but... When he's completely mad about you, it's not exactly the best thing, either," Alice said consolingly. "Imagine how you would feel."

Lily inhaled deeply. "You're so right," she sighed. "Damn it, Alice, I really screwed things up, didn't I?"

"It's nothing you can't fix," Alice assured her.

Lily stood up suddenly, swiftly collecting her books into her bag.

"Where are you going?" Alice asked, vaguely confused by her friend's sudden movements.

Lily gave Alice a brief smile, determination shining in her emerald eyes. She tightened her grip on the shoulder strap of her bookbag and said, "To fix things."

--

Lily didn't like being at a complete loss. She hated when she didn't know where to go, and she hated when she didn't know what to say, and she hated when she didn't know what to do.

_This_, she told herself, was definitely one of those moments when she was at a complete and utter loss. She'd spent half an hour searching the school for James and was certain that, even if she did find him, she'd lose all her confidence and assurance for what to do by the time she did.

She disconcertedly stared around the common room, hoping to find James, sucking on a sugar quill and lounging in a chair, or else playing a rowdy game of Exploding Snap, just as he usually did on rainy afternoons, but he was nowhere to be found.

"What's got you all hot and bothered, Evans?"

She rolled her eyes, folding her arms and turning. "None of your business, Black."

Sirius smiled smoothly at her. "Fine."

"Actually," Lily said suddenly, her eyes widening. "Maybe you could help me..."

He raised an eyebrow. "And why would I want to do that?"

"Because I'll make your life a living hell if you don't," she said shortly, not in the mood for games.

He shook his head, amused by the redhead before him. "So what can I do for you?"

She half-wondered why he didn't make a sly remark about being able to do the same exact thing for her, but she didn't really care. She could question him later. "Can you tell me where James is?"

Sirius sighed. "On the Quidditch pitch for a fly."

Lily looked taken aback. "In the rain? Is he bloody mad?"

"Probably," Sirius replied casually. "Not that I can blame him."

Lily turned her attention to the floor, feeling guilty. "I want to set things right," she muttered, unsure why she felt the need to explain herself to Sirius Black.

"I hope you do," Sirius said, flashing the smallest sincere smile in her direction before walking away.

She glanced back at him for a moment before rushing from the filled common room. She didn't want to waste any more time.

The October air was chilly against her skin, and the rain only made it colder. She shivered slightly as she stepped outside the doors, but never stopped walking. She simply hugged her coat closer to her, making her way to the Quidditch pitch.

She stared into the sky as she walked, spotting James unmistakably soaring around one of the goal posts. She knew that probably the only way to get his attention was to be up in the air with him, so she determinedly entered the Gryffindor locker room, grabbing one of the spare school broomsticks. The handle of it felt slick in her hand as she emerged onto the pitch. She inhaled deeply as she swung her leg over it, kicking off.

She couldn't remember the last time she'd flown. She was certain that she'd done it since first year, remembering the summer she'd spent with Alice and Mary, but that suddenly felt so long ago. She wondered why she'd never flown more. The feeling of the wind whipping her face and blowing the wet hair off her neck felt so wonderful. She suddenly understood why James loved it so much.

Immediately, Lily was reminded of the reason she was flying in the first place: James. She wasn't there to enjoy the feeling of soaring through the air in the rain, she was there to fix things with James.

Lily glanced around, the rain slightly obstructing her vision. She saw James staring at her from across the pitch, leaning forward on his broom and starting to approach her. She took a deep breath, doing the same thing to meet him halfway.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, looking at her questioningly. His black hair was stuck to his face, and he looked fairly cold. Lily wondered how long he'd been out flying, trying to ignore how attractive he still managed to look.

"Looking for you," she told him.

"Well, you found me," he said in an imitation of her from the previous night. He turned his broom, starting to fly away.

She sighed, pulling up next to him with her broom. "I want to talk."

"Well, I don't, at the moment," he said simply, not looking at her.

She sped up, pulling her broom in front of him, forcing him to stop quickly. "I think we both know that I'm going to get my way, James."

He smiled despite himself. "Fine," he said, sighing. "It's not as though I can be any more humiliated." He began his descent and Lily quickly followed. She found herself looking forward to getting her feet back on the ground, even if she did enjoy the feeling of flying; she was feeling incredibly cold on the broom, the wind and rain chilling her to the bone.

"I didn't mean to humiliate you," she said once she landed, dropping her broomstick to the wet grass.

"It's fine," he said shaking his head, letting his own broom fall.

"No, it's not," she told him, frustratedly. "You don't get it, James."

"Then explain it to me!" he said, putting his hands on her arms, his hazel eyes pleading.

She pulled away from him, hugging her jacket closer to herself. "When I said that you were my friend, I meant it. You are my friend, one of my best friends. Hell, how could you not be after all that you did?" She paused, looking at him sheepishly. "I didn't mean that you were _only _my friend."

James seemed incapable of speech, simply staring at her. "Then why—"

"Because I was a confused mess," Lily told him, smiling guiltily and nervously. "The end of last year, I hated you, and now I'm fighting different feelings. And I have to admit it was all some very bad timing. I was hating myself yesterday because of what Snape said, and then you came along, and you were being so wonderful. I didn't want to rush into something and end up hurting you more because I was taking advantage of the comfort you were giving me."

"Didn't quite work," James said, and Lily noticed a hint of irritation in his voice.

Yes, Lily told herself, she was definitely at a loss. How was she supposed to fix the situation now?

Suddenly, she threw all caution into the strong, autumn wind. She placed a hand on either side of James's face, standing on her toes to be able to reach him properly and pressing her lips firmly to his.

To her delight, James leaned down the slightest amount, wrapping his arms around her. His gentle touch tickled and she squirmed a tiny bit, causing him to pull away. She didn't hesitate to kiss him again, however, with more sudden intensity, parting her lips to allow his tongue to slide inside her mouth.

This, she decided, was bliss.

After a minute, they parted slowly, eyes fluttering open and breathing ragged. "I like you, James," she told him confidently, hoping that he finally understood. "I care about you a lot."

He smiled, kissing her forehead and pulling her into his chest, his hand rubbing her back comfortingly. "I waited so long to hear you say that."


	6. Chapter Five

**In Love and War:  
Chapter Five**

* * *

Much to Lily's dismay, it took several weeks for her and James to actually go on a _date._

Alice had repeatedly told her that it didn't really matter, that she and Frank didn't get to go on their first date for well over a month when they became a couple in fourth year, that it was merely spending time together, which they'd obviously been doing quite a bit of. Lily wasn't sure why, but she wanted more than anything to have that date with James. She felt as though they weren't truly _dating_ until they'd been on an actual _date_.

So when the Hogsmeade weekend came around, right before the Christmas holidays, Lily was thrilled that James had asked her. She knew he would, of course, as he'd been telling her about what they would do for weeks on end, but she loved the officialness of it.

"You two really are the perfect couple," Mary sighed, watching Lily get ready for her date with James when the day finally arrived.

Lily laughed. "We've hardly been going out for two months."

"That's still longer than I've been dating anyone," her friend sighed.

"What about Benjy Fenwick?" Lily asked.

Mary grinned. "Well, we are meeting at the Three Broomsticks for lunch, today."

"See?" Lily teased. "I knew he couldn't resist you for too long."

Mary rolled her eyes, grabbing her bag. "Come on. I'm certain that Mr. Potter is waiting anxiously for you."

She was right. James was waiting quite excitedly in the common room. The moment he saw her he jumped up, taking her in his arms and kissing her cheek once she was within reach. She blushed furiously as he took her hand, their fingers intertwining perfectly.

"You look gorgeous," he told her as they walked down the familiar road to Hogsmeade, covered in snow, more precipitation falling.

Again, her cheeks turned pink. "You _always_ think I look gorgeous."

"Well, you look especially so, today. More than ever, if possible."

She smiled and he opened the door to the Three Broomsticks for her, ushering her inside chivalrously. She rolled her eyes but thanked him all the same.

After being told very forcefully by James to put her money away because _he_ would be buying the drinks for the both of them, she found a seat, shaking her head slightly as he approached, holding two bottles of butterbeer proudly. She took one from him, sipping it cheerfully and chatting casually. It was enjoyable, she thought, to just be with him, feeling so comfortable and happy.

Suddenly, screams could be heard from the streets. Lily and James shared a brief, confused glance before darting outside, leaving their drinks abandoned on the table.

Immediately, James grabbed Lily, pushing her to the cold, wet ground. Spells were whizzing by them, people running into shops and back to the school to hide. They felt their hearts pounding, each instinctively taking out their own wands to fight back.

"Death Eaters," Lily breathed as James released her and they each directed their wands to the dark mass of masked wizards. They each silently fired spells, keeping low and rushing behind the wall of the building.

"You have to get out of here," James told her.

She looked incredulously at him. "And leave you behind? _Never_."

He sighed, nodding, understanding her determination to stay and fight. He then leaned in, kissing her chastely on the lips. "I love you," he said.

She sat there, staring at him wordlessly, her head flooded with feelings. She was afraid, and now confused, unsure of what she ought to say to him. Before she could force herself to speak, however, he stepped out from behind their shelter, and she heard his voice joining the harsh ones of the Death Eaters and the fearful ones of her fellow students.

She looked out from behind the wall, her mind aching as she stared at those fighting, focusing in on James. Did she love him?

They'd only been dating for a couple months, but she cared very deeply about him. He was wonderful, so kind and caring... he'd really grown up a great deal since they'd first met. But was she really _in love_ with him?

Screams and more screams echoed in front of her. Her head was throbbing and she felt sick to her stomach from fear, but now was not the time to be afraid, she told herself. She had to fight.

She ran out into the street, immediately firing spells at the closest Death Eater. She hardly knew what she was saying, spurting any incantation she could remember from duelling, not caring what the effect was. Lily vaguely noticed as Alice ran past her, taking on a pair of Death Eaters alongside Frank, and then Mary, who seemed to be losing ground, a look of fearful determination etched onto her face.

Suddenly, a familiar shriek from her friend and Lily whipped around, watching Mary collapse just metres behind her, near the corner of the Three Broomsticks, the Death Eater she'd been fighting disappearing to attack someone else.

Distracted, Lily was hit in the chest by a spell, knocking her backwards off her feet. It felt as though a large iron hand was pressing down on her, keeping her on the ground and crushing her ribcage. The world was spinning, and she felt that she was about to lose consciousness, but she took deep gasping breaths that didn't fill her lungs. She forced herself up, crawling over to Mary's body.

She didn't seem to understand, seeing Mary laying before her but not registering the fact that it was, indeed, Mary, one of her best friends since she'd started Hogwarts. She stared at her friend, blond curly hair sticking to her pale face.

"No," Lily muttered, still barely breathing, suddenly coming to the realisation that the snow beneath her was no longer a brilliant white but a sickening scarlet. Two deep gashes were across her chest, clearly the source of the crimson snow. "Mary," she whispered, desperately shaking her friend. "Mary!"

Mary emitted a tiny moan from her pink, parted lips, her eyes still shut. Lily wished more than anything that she could see her friend's beautiful brown eyes once more.

"Come on," Lily whispered frantically, putting pressure on Mary's chest to try to stop the bleeding. Her mind raced, trying her hardest to think of any healing spells she could use to save her friend, but everything she tried did very little, and she felt she was running out of time. She quickly muttered an incantation and bandages snaked around her chest; she prayed that it'd keep her from bleeding everywhere.

Suddenly, Lily was joined by another body; James was quickly examining Mary with sad eyes. "Lily, you have to get her out of here, you have to—"

There was a great explosion, and Lily leaned over Mary, trying to protect her from further injuries. In doing so, she felt herself get battered, shards of glass and pieces of stone cutting her and bruising her, the dust filling her lungs and forcing her to struggle with breathing even more. She heard a cold, high-pitched laugh and her stomach dropped—she knew who it was.

"Voldemort," she hissed, looking at the figure who was triumphantly standing in dust, amidst the rubble and a few scattered bodies. The remaining students were screaming, running back to the castle to ensure that Dumbledore knew of the attack and the sudden appearance of Voldemort.

"Lily," James said, almost frantically. "You _have_ to get out of here."

"Not without you," she said breathlessly, taking his hand in hers.

He nodded at her, his gaze turning back to the lifeless form before him.

"What are we going to do?" she whispered, thankful for the shelter of the broken pieces of wall in front of them. "Something..." she muttered. "A distraction..."

But James was gazing past her shoulder, and she quickly turned, her head spinning once again. There, standing, staring intently at Voldemort, was none other than their headmaster.

"Lily," James said, still staring at Dumbledore, "there's a secret passage back to the school, and I know that you're usually against—"

"Where?" she cut across him. Rules no longer mattered to her. They were still just moments from death, especially Mary, and there was no time to waste.

James nodded curtly, moving his hands across the snow-covered street, crawling a metre or two between the Three Broomsticks and the adjacent store. Lily put her hand to her head, which was still aching. She heard words, a sort of exchange between Voldemort and Dumbledore, preluding the duel they were surely about to have. Wands of Death Eaters were raised, pointed at the aged headmaster, but none of it seemed to make sense. She couldn't possibly understand what was really going on there.

"Ah!" James whispered victoriously, brushing snow off a grate. He slid it off as quietly as possible.

"That's a sewer," she said blankly, suddenly doubting him.

"Trust me," he breathed. "I'm going down first, and I need you to lower Mary down to me. Can you do that?"

She nodded, wrapping her arms around Mary, who made another groan as she was moved. It was a great relief to Lily, knowing that the smallest noise meant she was still alive. She gently cradled her friend as James lowered himself down the hole in the ground, quickly climbing what appeared to be a ladder. As carefully as she could, considering time as well, she shuffled on her knees to the manhole and lowered her friend's body.

Her heart was pounding harder than ever when she began to hear the distinct sound of magic, spells being fired in every direction. The second she was certain Mary was safely in James's arms, she descended the ladder, dragging the cover back over the grate.

Lily reached the bottom of the ladder, her shoes feeling a slimy, stone floor. She shuffled quickly along with James, who was still carrying Mary in his arms. After a few moments, she felt her feet slip out from under her, and she threw her arms out to brace herself. It felt as though her wrist had snapped, and her eyes watered from the pain, certain that her knees were bleeding through her jeans.

"Lily!" James gasped, turning.

Lily shook her head, immediately picking herself up. "Keep going," she gasped, quickly catching up with James.

The passageway suddenly came to a spiral staircase, and Lily seemed reminded of a lighthouse as she followed James. She wished they would get to the school sooner, but she knew simultaneously that they'd only been on the move for a minute or two.

"Where does this let out?" Lily suddenly asked, breathing heavily, her lungs burning.

"Fourth floor," James panted, hoisting Mary up in his arms. "Almost there, then not far to the hospital wing..."

They emerged into a massive hallway, picking up their speed once again. At last, James pushed his back against a strange door, entering the main part of the school. Lily glanced back as she ran with him, noticing the door swing shut, actually mirror she'd passed a million times but never thought to look behind. They sprinted down a flight of stairs, bursting into the hospital wing.

Madam Pomphrey looked positively harassed. "What's the meaning—"

"Please," Lily panted, gesturing at her friend's limp body, "she's been hurt."

Madam Pomphrey rushed over as James set Mary on the bed. The witch looked positively horrified at the site of the girl, the bandages Lily had conjured earlier drenched in scarlet. Immediately she pulled curtains around the bed, hiding her work.

James led Lily to a bed across from Mary's, forcing her to take a seat. He put his arm around her, muttering, "That was not how I wanted the day to go."

She shook her head before resting it on his shoulder, rubbing her injured wrist and finally feeling the ache in her chest easing, somewhat. "You didn't know this would happen."

A silence settled between them, and Lily desperately wondered what she would have done if it was James laying in the bed across from her. She didn't think she'd be able to sit there so calmly, simply waiting. She cared so deeply for him.

She _loved_ him.

It was a sudden realisation that occurred to her, everything simultaneously clicking in her brain. She _loved_ him. She genuinely _loved _him.

She angled her head, her nose colliding with his chin, and she leaned in, pressing her lips against his neck.

"What was that for?" he asked, stroking her hair.

"I love you," she whispered. "I really do. I regret not saying it before in case, you know, something had happened."

"It's all right," James smiled, kissing the top of her head. "I think part of me knew you did." He pulled away from her, cupping her face in her hands. "You were so brave, today."

"No," she said, looking down, "I was scared."

"Being scared doesn't make you any less brave," James said, lifting her chin. "It's the fact that you fight despite that fear that makes you so courageous."

"But you—"

"I was terrified," he told her, kissing her again. "If anything had happened to you, I don't know what I would have done."

She nodded fervently, and then whipped around as Madam Pomphrey pulled open the curtains. Lily jumped up, rushing to her. It felt as though it had taken hours for her to examine Mary, and she wanted to know the verdict.

"How is she?" she asked nervously.

"I'm so sorry, Miss Evans," Madam Pomphrey said, putting a hand on her shoulder, "but... Miss Macdonald didn't make it."

She simply stared at Madam Pomphrey, unable to comprehend her words. She felt her legs crumpling beneath her, James quickly wrapping his arms around her to prevent her from hitting the floor. She wanted so desperately to cry, but she couldn't.


	7. Chapter Six

**In Love and War:  
Chapter Six**

**Notes: **Apparently I fail at spelling, and don't know that it's really "Pomfrey" and not "Pomphrey". I will fix it in all future chapters, and possibly in earlier ones if I have time.

* * *

"Madam Pomfrey said that you did quite well in helping Miss Macdonald."

She heard the voice of Dumbledore beside her bed. It had been hours since she'd checked into the Hospital Wing and Lily had been told to stay the night to ensure that her breathing remained steady after the curse that had hit her. She couldn't face him, couldn't bare to look into the blue eyes of the headmaster whom she felt she had failed.

"She said you performed numerous healing spells that helped keep Mary alive for quite a bit longer," he went on. "She said you ought to seriously consider becoming a Healer, if you haven't already."

"But it didn't matter," Lily sighed, grasping fistfuls of her sheets and squeezing her eyes shut. "She still died. I couldn't save her, just like I couldn't save my parents."

"Sometimes it really is our intentions that make the difference, Miss Evans."

She turned to him, but he was already striding back to his office, leaving her in her thoughts once again. She looked back at her hands, her broken wrist healed by Madam Pomfrey in mere seconds, bandaged until she was strong enough to use it again. Her cuts and bruises still remained, as she'd strongly told Madam Pomfrey that they weren't that bad, that the other injured students were more important, that nobody else ought to die like Mary. She had nodded curtly, returning to the students who'd entered before and after Lily's best friend, waiting for their own treatment.

Of course she had denied allowing Lily to go to Slughorn's Christmas party—not that she was in the mood to go, anyway.

Lily gazed around the room, surrounded by sleeping students who had been injured earlier in the day. She wondered how they could sleep. Madam Pomfrey had offered her a sleeping potion, but she'd refused. She didn't _want_ to sleep, but it was getting late and she wished more than anything that she had some company.

No sooner had the thought occurred to her when a figure seemed to materialise out of nowhere. She gasped, her heart pounding.

"Damn it, James!" she whispered, her eyes finally focusing on he person in front of her. "You gave me a bloody heart attack!"

"I thought you could use some company," he said gently.

She stared at him confusedly. "But you..."

He grinned at her, holding out the silvery material in his hands. "Invisibility cloak," he told her. "It's a family heirloom and my very own secret to mischief."

She smiled in return, patting her bed. "Sit," she told him, scooting over.

James obliged, sitting next to her in the bed, wrapping his arms around her. She rested her head on his chest, just enjoying the feeling of his body against hers. He made her feel so safe.

"Mary's parents are coming tomorrow," Lily told James softly.

"They must be completely grief-stricken."

"They're going to want to see me," Lily sighed. "I don't want them to blame me for her death."

"How could they?" James asked her, squeezing her tightly. "You're not the one who cast that spell."

"But I couldn't save her," Lily said, barely audibly.

"You weren't expected to," James said. "And you tried so hard to, anyway."

Lily nestled closer to James. "I don't really want to talk about it, right now," she muttered, putting her hand on his arm, holding him close. "Let's just sit here. That's all I need."

"All right, love," he sighed, stroking her hair. She let herself get distracted by his breathing, listening to every single intake, his chest rising and falling slowly beneath her. She never thought a simple sound could be so beautiful. She'd almost stopped breathing earlier, just as her parents had, and just as Mary had.

Poor Mary, lying lifeless in the snow, her chest bleeding profusely.

Her fingers suddenly found the smooth scar on James's arm, and her heart seemed to stop. The curse, she suddenly realised, tensing up, was just like the one which had hit and killed Mary.

But no, she told herself, suddenly relaxing. Snape wasn't at Hogsmeade. McGonagall had given him a detention which he had to serve all morning. All the same, it had been the same magic, the same wretched dark spell, and she shivered.

"Cold?" James asked her, pulling the covers close to her skin.

She nodded. "Freezing."

--

"We really owe you a lot," Mrs. Macdonald said. Her eyes and nose were red, a handkerchief clutched in her palm, but she seemed calm. Lily half-wished that Mary hadn't looked so incredibly like her mother.

"I'm... so sorry," Lily muttered to her, wishing she had more to say, something that could have appeased the situation.

Mr. Macdonald shook his head. "We understand that you did all you could, and we are so thankful for that. Mary truly had a great friend in you."

Lily nodded, feeling so unreal. She wanted to run, to escape from this horrible exchange of words, but she knew Madam Pomfrey was nearby and had to give Lily her permission to leave.

"You're really a wonderful young woman," Mrs. Macdonald told her, her eyes brimming with tears. Her husband quickly wrapped his arms around her, trying to calm her down.

Lily hated it. She hated every second of it. How could they be treating her like such a hero when she felt like such a failure? Everything she'd done had been a waste. It was all worthless. Why were they treating her as though she'd performed some kind of miracle?

"You're free to go," Madam Pomfrey told her after a moment, before turning her attention to the grieving couple. Lily nodded, pulling the curtains around her bed and changing swiftly before darting from the Hospital Wing. She wanted to get as far away as possible.

"Lily!" called a familiar voice, and she turned to see Alice running quickly after her. She flung her arms around Lily, squeezing her tight. "I hate to be leaving now, in the middle of everything," Alice whispered, still hugging her friend.

"Don't feel bad," Lily assured her as the two separated. Lily noticed that Alice had been crying too, her face red, much like Mrs. Macdonald's. "It's probably better to go home, anyway."

"You're still welcome to come home with me," Alice told her quickly. "I really don't mind."

"No," Lily said, shaking her head. "I don't feel much in the mood for festivities. I just want to sleep away the entire break."

Alice smiled at her. "Take care, Lils," she said, giving her a final hug. "Oh! Almost forgot—I just came from the Owlry and there's a message for you."

She raised her eyebrows. "Did you see who it was from?"

Alice shook her head. "I was in such a rush, sorry."

"Well, you'd better get going," Lily told her, forcing a smile. "Happy Christmas!"

"Happy Christmas," Alice replied, waving her hand as she turned and walked away.

Lily changed directions, now walking toward the Owlry to retrieve whatever letter had been sent to her right before the holidays.

Distracted, she bumped into someone. She quickly muttered an apology before noticing that it was Benjy Fenwick, staring straight ahead with hollow eyes. Lily suddenly remembered that Mary was supposed to meet him for lunch the day before, the day of the attack. She opened her mouth to offer some sort of condolence to him, but he simply walked away, down the hall. She felt a pang in her heart, as though he was yet another person she had failed in letting Mary die.

Her legs quickly carried her to the upper tower, half-filled with sleeping owls, others flying in and out of the room. She simply stared around the room, shuffling through the straw on the floor and hugging her jumper closer to her as the cool winter air blew through the room.

Suddenly, a small owl swooped down, landing on a beam before her, bearing an envelope with her name on it. Lily nervously took it from the bird, watching as he flew away the moment she did.

She took a deep breath, recognising the handwriting. The cursive in which her name was written was perfect, and there was no mistaking the person who had written it. The letter had come straight from Petunia.

With shaking hands, Lily carefully opened the back of the envelope, letting it fall to the floor as she pulled out the personalised stationery. She vaguely wondered if Petunia would have used her beloved stationery on her if she wasn't about to be married in the spring and the beautiful paper reading _Petunia Evans_ would become obsolete as she became Petunia Dursley.

She wasn't quite sure what to expect. Her heart was beating painfully fast and her hands were shaking uncontrollably. She hoped against all hope that this would be the letter she was waiting for—she wanted her sister to tell her that she'd been a fool in hating her these past years, that she loved her and missed her, that she wanted her to just come home and spend the holidays together. She never admitted it to Alice and Mary, but she missed her sister. She missed the days when they would play together, before she had been told she was a witch. Sometimes, she wished that none of it had ever happened, that she was currently attending some Muggle school, with Muggle friends and a Muggle boyfriend. Sometimes, she wished she was what her sister called 'normal', if it just meant that they could be friends, again.

Her eyes quickly raked over the paper, looking for some sign that she should go home and be with the only family she had left, but there was none. She simply stared at the stationery in her hand, the usual biting words written in beautiful cursive.

She heard footsteps and looked up, watching James enter the tower. He smiled at her, a vaguely forced smile, coming over to her and taking her in his arms.

"I was looking for you," he muttered, kissing the top of her head. "Madam Pomfrey said she let you go, and then I saw Fenwick who said he passed you by and it looked like you were coming up here." He drew away, looking worriedly at her. "Are you all right?"

She simply swallowed, handing him the letter from her sister. He took it tentatively, reading it quickly.

"What a load of rubbish," he scoffed. "Honestly."

"She's right," Lily told him softly, staring at the floor.

"What?"

Lily walked over to one of the large windows, taking a seat on the ledge. "She's right. Everything she said. It's all true."

"That's ridiculous," James said, following her to the window. "This letter is completely out of line. I mean, she goes as far as to say it's your fault that your parents died."

"But it is," she breathed. "I mean, if I wasn't magic..."

"Then they still would have come," James said sadly. "It doesn't matter if you're magic or not. They were still going to kill your parents."

"I couldn't save them," Lily muttered, not really hearing James. "They told Petunia and me to hide, and I did. I should have stayed out there, I should have fought."

"And then you'd be dead instead of them," James said. "I couldn't bare that."

Lily closed her eyes tightly. "It would have been better."

"Don't you _dare_ say that," James said in a low voice.

"Then Mary wouldn't be dead," she murmured, still ignoring him. "She'd be fine, she'd be dating Benjy Fenwick, and she'd be happy—"

"_Stop_," James said forcefully, putting his hands on her shoulders. "I know you're upset, but what you're saying... Lily, you have to stop."

"You don't get it!" she suddenly shouted, pushing him away. "I'm a liability! Everyone keeps treating me like a bloody hero for what I did for Mary, but it's all my fault! If it weren't for me, none of them would be dead. My parents, Mary... they'd be alive."

"Listen to yourself!" James said angrily. "If it weren't for you, Mary would have died in the middle of the street. You might not have saved her, but you kept her alive just a while longer. She died with you there, helping her."

"She still died!" Lily emphasised venomously.

"Damn it, Lily!" James yelled. "Why can't you just stop feeling sorry for yourself for one second to see the good that you did?"

She stared at him, feeling the sting of his words all over her skin. She felt as though he had slapped her, and it was taking all her restraint to physically strike him back. She straightened herself, pushing past him.

"Lily, wait," James said softly, pleadingly, grabbing her arm to stop her. "I'm sorry, I didn't—"

She pulled her wand from her pocket, rounding on him. "Get your hand off me," she hissed.

He reluctantly let go. "I—"

"Don't talk to me," she said, her voice shaking with anger. "Don't you _dare_ say a word."

He stared sadly at her, and she felt her chest closing up on her. She simply turned around, leaving the Owlry as fast as she possibly could.


	8. Chapter Seven

**In Love and War:  
Chapter Seven**

**Notes:** Woo! I've been having a very busy week, including uni orientation, but I hope you enjoy. I'll keep updating.

* * *

"Can I talk to you?"

The voice was soft and kind, coming from the body who was suddenly sitting across from her at the library table. Lily looked up to see the face of Remus Lupin, gazing at her kindly with warm amber eyes.

"Of course," she replied. Her voice was rough and tight, sounding so strange and foreign to her. It had been several days since she'd used it last, and then she'd been yelling a great deal. She quickly cleared her throat, hoping that she would regain full usage of it quickly.

The days had passed in a strange blur. At first, she'd felt furious with James and what he'd said. She was so angry that she never wanted to talk to him again, comparing him in her mind to Severus, thinking of how he had called her a pathetic, broken mess. She thought that maybe they were the same, after all, that maybe James had never deserved the chance he gave her. She thought that maybe all the things Snape had said about him were right, all her past assumptions about him being an arrogant, bullying toe-rag hadn't been so far off, after all. She began regretting opening up to him and giving him her heart when he was just proving himself to be as stupid, mean, and immature as ever.

Her anger seemed to quickly dissolve with the days, however, and once it was completely evaporated from her body and mind, she found herself sad again. She wished she hadn't pushed James away because he was right and she _was _just feeling sorry for herself. It was a simple mistake on his part, letting his frustration take hold of him and being brutally honest. It had worked, in a way. She certainly didn't pity herself any more Instead, Lily felt resigned to the fact that things simply weren't the way she wanted them to be. She didn't care about whose fault it was or who'd done the more horrible wrong to the other. She wanted things to get better, but she didn't know where to start. She felt as though she was at a loss again, unsure what move to make, how to make things better and set things right again. It was all a mess and she didn't know how to begin to fix things.

"What about?" she found herself asking Remus, though she was fairly certain of the answer.

"James," Remus replied softly, and Lily found herself biting her lip as she stared at the boy across from her. "It... It's not really what you're expecting though, I presume."

"Then you're not going to try and convince me that I should talk to him?"

"Yes and no," Remus admitted. "I think you should talk to him. In fact, I'm fairly certain you _will_ talk to him after you hear me out. However, my reasoning isn't solely about him pining away for you in the dormitory and constantly reiterating to Sirius, Peter, and myself that he royally messed things up between you two, or that it's Christmas Eve and you should be kinder and more forgiving in the holiday spirit."

"What is it then?" Lily asked curiously.

Remus paused, looking down at his hands, folded neatly on the table. He inhaled deeply before continuing. "A couple of hours ago, James got an owl from a family friend," Remus told her slowly. "His mother passed away this morning."

"Oh my god," Lily murmured, her green eyes widening. "I had no idea—"

"James was hit pretty hard by the news," Remus told her, finally looking up at her. "As you can imagine, of course. I mean, she was his last bit of family. Immediately, anyway."

"Was..." she swallowed hard. "Was she killed?"

Remus shook his head and Lily breathed a sigh of relief. He exhaled deeply and said in a strange voice, "It's a bit hard to think that life still goes on when there's a war, but it does. There was no attack or anything of the sort. She was old, a bit sick, a bit broken-hearted from the death of her husband. She simply... died_."_

Lily's gaze returned to her book, trying to take in Remus's words. It was hard to believe, she admitted to herself, that things still happened normally, that life did not revolve solely around the war. After seeing her own parents die, and after Mary's death not even a week before, it seemed peculiar, almost foreign for a 'normal' part of life to occur, and yet it did.

"Is he okay?" she breathed.

"James?" Remus asked. "He's says he's fine, but, well... I think you and I know better than to really believe that."

Lily nodded quickly, finding it hard to swallow again. She put her hand to her mouth, tracing her lips with her thumb.

"I know he'd really like to see you," Remus told her softly. "He feels rotten about what he said to you, and I know he wants to set things right. You really ought to give him a chance."

She nodded again. This was all the push she needed, the tiny sign for her to go back to James as soon as humanly possible. "Where is he?"

Remus smiled weakly at her. "I just left him up in the dormitory with Sirius and Peter. I said I had to get something important from the library."

Lily smiled shyly back at him, appreciating the meaning of his words. "Thanks for telling me," she said.

"Don't mention it," Remus replied, giving her a small wave as she swiftly gathered her things.

As far as she was concerned, her legs couldn't carry her fast enough Gryffindor Tower. She longed to see James, to set everything right, to take him in her arms and tell him that everything would be all right, just as he'd done for her a hundred times. She quickly gave the fat lady the password, dropping her bag in the common room and running up the stairs to the boys' dormitory. She reached the doorway, slightly out of breath as she stared inside, standing under the frame.

The moment he noticed her, James stood up, his hand jumping to his hair.

"Er," Sirius muttered, watching at the couple stared at each other. "Wormtail, what do you say to a trip to the kitchens to see if the House-Elves have any leftover pudding?" He slid off of his bed.

"Most definitely," Peter squeaked, also jumping to his feet.

Lily quickly moved out of the way, into the room, allowing Peter and Sirius to walk by her. She watched them go, hurrying down the stairs to leave her and James alone.

She turned back to him. "Hey," she muttered sheepishly.

"Hey," he replied, taking a couple tentative steps toward her.

She stared down at her feet. "Remus told me." She glanced back up at him, trying to find better words to fill the silence. "About your mum, I mean. I—I'm really sorry."

He nodded silently. "I half-expected it."

She took a deep breath, silently cursing him. Of all the times he was so rash and straightforward, she wished that this was one of them. She didn't want to have to make the first move, to be the strong one in the situation. It had always been his job, and it felt so strange to her as she walked to him, taking his hand in hers. "I know that doesn't really make it any easier."

Thankfully, with her simple, tiny motion, he took the leap, wrapping his arms tightly around her and pulling her close. She quickly returned the action, snaking her arms around his waist and holding him tightly. It felt so right to her, as though it had been far too long since they'd simply held each other.

"I'm so sorry," he murmured, his voice breaking slightly as though he was about to cry, which surprised her while simultaneously pulled at her heart painfully. "I shouldn't have said what I did."

Lily shook her head into his chest. "You had every right. I was being stupid."

"You were upset."

Her arms tightened around him. "I was a mess," she whispered. "I just miss the days when everything was happy and all right. I miss my parents and Petunia and Sev so much, and now I've lost Mary on top of it all. It's _not_ _fair."_

"I know," James replied softly. "None of it's fair."

Lily pulled away slightly, feeling the pain of James's words. He'd lost both of his parents, just as she had. He was just as alone as she was.

"We have no family left," she told him plainly, staring at him.

"That's not true," James replied, shaking his head. "Alice is your family. Sirius, Remus, and Peter... They're my family, and they're yours, now, too." He smiled, then, a tired, sad sort of smile, brushing her hair out of her face. "We're all family family."

She put a hand on his cheek, standing on her toes to kiss him deeply. So often he found the perfect thing to say, something that would always remind her just why she'd fallen in love with him.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," she muttered. "I hope I never have to find out."

He grinned down at her. "I hope I don't have to find out, either," he said, kissing her forehead.

James then reached into his pocket, his other hand taking Lily's. He pulled out a beautiful silver bracelet, laying it against her wrist. She gasped slightly as he fumbled with the clasp.

"It's gorgeous," she told him softly.

"It was my mother's," he commented, finally locking it around her wrist, admiring it against her pale, freckled skin.

"Oh," she whispered, "James, I can't—"

"I want you to," he said, kissing her quickly to silence. "I know she would have loved you, just as much as I do. I think she would have been very happy to know that I'm giving it to you."

Lily embraced him tightly, holding him close to her. "Thank you," she said.

"Happy Christmas," he responded quietly.

It felt as though the world was suddenly set right again, placed back carefully on the pin on which it balanced for all eternity. Everything that had been wrong in the past several weeks was forgotten, as though they'd been unimportant details in a more important story. She was there, standing with James, and that was all that mattered to her, suddenly. It didn't matter what Petunia said, or what Severus thought. She was safely in James's arms and everything was right.

For all she cared, the world could completely disappear and it could be just the two of them, for the rest of her life. The ground could dissolve from beneath them and they could still live on, without anyone or anything else. They needn't have food to eat or water to drink or oxygen to breathe. If they had each other, then they had all they needed to keep them alive, just the touch of the other, the feeling of warm skin against skin and moist, soft lips brushing together. As far as Lily was concerned, nothing could ever change that.


	9. Chapter Eight

**In Love and War:  
Chapter Eight**

**Notes:** For whatever reason, my alerts are being rather odd, lately. And by that, I mean I haven't been getting any. I tried to keep up with the reviews and any questions, but forgive me, seeing as I've been getting no emails about them, so I've been unaware of them coming.

We're nearing the end, I fear. Only three or four more chapters, plus an epilogue. Okay, so that's not _too_ close to the end, especially because I still have a bit of writing to do on the last couple. After this is done, however, you're always welcome to read my other fics. There's a new novel-length one I'll be working on, to cover the end of Sixth Year to the end of Seventh (and if I feel prolific, possibly a sequel until their deaths), something I hope will be more plot-based than pure romance, with JKR-length chapters (which are roughly twice as long as my current ones, actually, often more). I'm open to suggestions for plots because heaven knows I can only think of so much, none of which are really extraordinary, though my sister's helping me a bit. If you have an idea, feel free to leave a comment or send me a PM and I might try to work it in (with credit, too, woo!).

And now, on with the story...

* * *

The Christmas holidays seemed to pass in a flash. Lily had spent the long afternoons with her new family, playing cards and having snowball fights. She loved the feeling, coming inside after hours in the snow, quite numb and freezing, the lot of them lounging in front of the fire and telling humorous stories.

Usually, at that point, James would drape his arm around Lily, pulling her close to him as his friends would desperately try to embarrass him, regaling her with tales of his immaturity and stupidity. He'd roll his eyes but she'd laugh, which always led to a kiss, on the nose or cheek or forehead, before she'd tell her _own _story to try to mortify him. It never ended well for her, as the moment he realised exactly what she was telling his friends, he'd try desperately to keep her quiet by hiding her under a blanket or pillow, or else tickling her until she was breathless from laughter.

She loved it, every bit of it. She never wanted those days to end.

Unfortunately, classes eventually had to start again. As they did, they suddenly became harder then ever as teachers desperately tried to fill the students' heads before their NEWTs. Lily found that she had countless hours of homework each night, and rarely a free moment between that and Head duties. She wondered how James managed anything, with Quidditch practice on top of it all, but he somehow did, smoothly finding time to sneak her off to a broom closet occasionally, as well. None of it ever seemed to cease to amuse and amaze her.

The nastiest surprise seemed to come with the return of Potions. It had been the very class Lily was dreading, completely aware that she was left without a partner with her friend's passing.

"I can be your partner," Alice had told her as they made their way to class. "I'm sure Frank won't mind. I mean, after everything that's happened..."

Lily smiled slightly, rolling her eyes, hugging her books close to her chest. "You've been his partner since we were twelve."

"That's not true," Alice said defensively, throwing her brown hair over her shoulders. "We weren't partners until our third year."

Lily found herself laughing at her friend, smiling as they entered the classroom. She glanced around, feeling strange as the other students sat with their partners at their tables, chatting eagerly about their holidays and what Slughorn was expecting them to do, now that they had returned. Lily sighed, making her way to the front of the classroom to inform him of the situation.

"Er, Professor Slughorn?"

He glanced up, his eyes softening at the sight other. "Miss Evans! I was very upset you were unable to attend my Christmas party." His eyes travelled to the bandage, still on her wrist to deter her from using it. "But, of course, given the circumstances..."

She brushed her hair out of her face, chewing on her lip. "Er, I was wondering... without Mary, I mean... I have no partner..." she stammered.

He nodded cautiously, still examining her closely. "Yes, yes, of course." He pulled himself around his desk, gazing thoughtfully around the room. Suddenly, it seemed as though he was struck by a genius idea. He placed a large hand on Lily's back.

"Snape!" he called, and Lily felt her stomach drop as Severus jerked his head up. "Come here, please."

"Oh, Professor," Lily immediately protested, "I don't think that—"

"You're two of my most brilliant students. You worked together wonderfully up until last year, and it's about time you started again."

Lily glanced nervously around, hoping that someone would save her from the situation as Snape came up to Slughorn.

"It seems that Miss Evans is without a partner—"

"I'll be her partner," James immediately interjected, ignoring the "Oi!" of protest from Sirius.

Slughorn shook his head. "Nonsense, Potter." He turned back to Snape. "I'm sure Mister Snape would be happy to work with you, Lily."

She stared at the floor, finding herself incapable of looking Snape in the eye.

"Of course, Professor." His voice was so smooth and sincere, it made her cheeks flush with furious colour.

She reluctantly took her seat with Snape, burying her face inside her notebook during class, refusing to acknowledge her new partner's existence. Occasionally when she'd glance up, she'd notice that he wasn't really paying attention but merely scribbling away in his textbook, a long-time habit of his. She casually glanced, shifting slightly to inconspicuously see what it was that he was writing.

Her heart plummeted as she saw "_Sectumsempra—for enemies_" scrawled in the corner of the page opposite he was writing on.

The second the bell rang, Lily rushed out the door. She hardly wanted to provide the chance for Snape to talk to her again. She felt an arm drape around her casually as she walked, and she leaned welcomingly into James's body.

"Nice way to start Potions again, yeah?" he said, and she could hear the sarcasm in his voice, trying to make light of the situation.

She simply grunted in return.

Students were filing to the Great Hall for dinner, but Lily felt as though she'd lost her appetite. Her mind was racing and was aching painfully.

"Can we talk?" Lily found herself asking him quietly. "In private?"

"Of course," James told her, obviously concerned and wrapping his arms a little more tightly around her. "Come on."

They took the stairs while the other students headed to the Hall, ready for a large, warm dinner before they started on their homework. After several staircases, they reached the open top of a tower. The cold air was biting and Lily shivered slightly, hugging herself, clutching her elbows so tightly that her knuckles were white.

"What's on your mind?" James asked, standing across from her, looking equally as cold. "Other than the obvious fact that Snape is a git and it's rotten luck you're being forced to work with him?"

She chewed on her lip, looking away from James. "I think Sev is a Death Eater."

"What?" James blinked. Certainly he and his friends had always made the snide comments and dark jokes about Snape going over to Voldemort, but it seemed slightly different to actually say that, yes, he was indeed a Death Eater.

"That spell he used on you—_Sectumsempra_—"

"It was Dark Magic, but that doesn't make him a Death Eater," James told her quickly and soothingly. "Some of the best witches and wizards have used Dark Magic—in self-defence of course, but—"

"That spell," Lily said forcefully, "was the one that killed Mary."

James stared blankly at her. "Lily, Snape didn't—he _couldn't_—"

She shook her head quickly. "He wasn't in Hogsmeade that day. I know it wasn't him, but... it was his spell. I saw it scribbled in his Potions book, just like he used to when we were younger and his spells weren't so.. dark. He's working with the Death Eaters, he just has to be." Her voice sounded so small and her throat was so tight.

He moved toward her, holding her tightly.

"He was my best friend, James," she whispered. "Why is he doing this?" Her heart was beating fast, waiting hopelessly for the advice she always received.

Seconds ticked by and there was silence.

"I... I don't know, Lily," he said softly.

No words of guidance, hope, or condolence. His words were hollow and meaningless and she wished he had more to say, something to make everything so much better. He always did, yet he somehow couldn't now.

"God help me," she murmured, pulling away from James, "I still want to be his friend."

"He doesn't deserve you," James told her, tucking a strand of her hair away. "Neither do I."

She looked questioningly at him. "And why don't you?"

He took a deep breath. "There's something I have to tell you." He placed his hands on her shoulder, leading her to take a seat.

"What is it?" she asked him, slightly nervous. The tone of his voice was suddenly so serious and she wasn't sure she liked it.

"I've been lying to you. Or keeping something from you, at least. There's no other girl or anything like that because Merlin knows I love you and only you, but it concerns my welfare, so... I should have told you sooner." He paused, thinking of where to begin. His face looked anxious at the very prospect of telling her. "When my mates and I found out that Remus was a werewolf, we... we wanted to help him..."

"Of course," Lily said, unsure of what was coming.

"The way we decided to help was to transform with him," James told her, "as Animagi."

Lily stared at him. "What?"

"From the time we were twelve, we were learning how to transform as Animagi," he repeated. "We finally got it by the time we were fifteen."

She couldn't believe it, her pulse quickening. "So much could have gone wrong! I don't even suppose you're registered, are you? That's so dangerous—"

"Not as dangerous as us spending every full moon with him."

"So not only did you illegally become Animagi," Lily said slowly, voice rather irritated, "but you've been sneaking around with a transformed werewolf for two years?"

"It's _Remus_, Lily," James said nervously. "We wanted to help him."

"So that was the best option you thought of?"

"Please—"

Lily stood up angrily. "I guess that's why you and your friends occasionally look so battered and beaten up? Getting into fights with a werewolf might do that, I suppose—"

He stood to follow her. "Lily—"

"James," she said forcefully, turning to him, "I don't want you doing this. I don't want you risking your life. You could end up hurt, or a werewolf like Remus, or—or—"

"I won't end up dead, Lily—"

"You don't _know_ that."

"I know that I can't abandon my best mate."

"I love him, too, James," she said softly, "but you can't do this. You can't put yourself in danger. I can't believe that he'd approve of this."

"He didn't at first," he admitted, "but he saw how much we wanted to help him. We've helped him a lot by doing this, and it's actually a bit of fun—"

Lily looked slightly hysterical, and James knew he'd said the wrong thing. "Once a month, you're off having fun, running around with a—"

"No matter how many times you repeat that he's a werewolf," James said shortly, "I won't change my mind."

"Then what will make you see the danger in this?"

"I know the danger, but I'm willing to take all the risks for him," he said defiantly, "just as I'm sure they would for me."

"It's not fair to me," Lily said softly. "He's taking the possibility of you away from me."

"He's doing no such thing. It's my choice—"

"I can't." Lily buried her head in her hands, shaking it violently. "Not right now, I can't."

"Wait—"

"Not right now," she repeated, giving him a quick, hurt look before hurrying down the stairs of the tower. She leaned against the wall of the corridor, breathing deeply, eyes shut. She wished he had told her in the first place, she wished she'd known that for the months they'd been dating, he was constantly risking his life. After all the death she'd seen in the past several months, she wondered how he could stand to do it.

"Lily?" the voice was kind and soft, and she opened her eyes to see _him_—Remus Lupin.

Anger bubbled inside her again, making her heart race. "How could you keep it from me?" she asked coldly.

"Er, sorry?" he asked, obviously confused. She became suddenly aware of how strange the question must have sounded on his end.

"Why didn't you tell me that James is an illegal Animagus who runs around with you once a month?" she clarified, and Remus's face darkened remarkably.

"It wasn't my place to tell you," he said solemnly.

"I suppose not," she agreed. "I have trouble believing that you let him do it in the first place, though. How could you possibly think that it's okay?"

"Lily—"

"You're endangering them," she said softly. She wasn't aiming to hurt him, just make him aware of the fact. He seemed to understand that.

"I know," he breathed.

"I love him, Remus," she said, half-laughing, half-sad. "If something happened to him—"

"I know," Remus replied quickly. "If you'd just let me explain—"

"_I can't_," Lily said emphatically. "No reasons for this will change how scary this is for me to think of."

Remus looked down at his hands and Lily felt ashamed for saying what she had. It was just too much for her, all of it was. If she had found out some other way, some other time, maybe it would be more comprehensible, but not then, on top of her worries about Severus. She walked hurriedly from the hall, not stopping until she was in her bed in Gryffindor tower. She just needed to clear her head.


	10. Chapter Nine

**In Love and War:  
Chapter Nine**

**Notes:** Eek, sorry this took so long. I've been so busy with different university preparations and the like that I've barely had the time to work on this. Hopefully I'll be able to have it all done soon for you, though!

* * *

Lily stared up at the clouds, her red hair fanning out beneath her. The ground was hard and cold but she'd always found cloud-watching to be a calming activity, spending hours outside gazing at the sky when she was younger.

She looked up at the sky, hearing multiple pairs of feet approaching her. Then, she noticed a body joining hers, lying next to her. She turned her head, noticing none other than Sirius Black resting beside her. Peter was sitting cross-legged, leaning back on his hands and also staring at the sky. Lily looked back up at the clouds.

"Have you ever been inside the Shrieking Shack?" Sirius asked casually.

She swallowed. "No," Lily replied.

"It's not pretty," Sirius sighed, sitting up, glancing down at her. "All torn up and wrecked, with broken furniture and things..."

Lily sat up as well, hugging her knees to her chest. She simply stared at Sirius, not saying a word.

"Remus transforms there," Peter said quickly to her.

She nodded, smiling vaguely at him. "I know. He told me."

"Did he tell you it's painful?" Sirius asked. "He says he feels like he's dying when it happens. Or he wants to die, to stop it all."

"That's where we come in," Peter said in a small voice.

"So you ease his pain in exchange for getting hurt yourselves?" Lily asked.

"He's our friend," Peter said quickly.

"We'd take away all the pain, if we could," Sirius said sadly.

"I would, too," Lily responded softly.

"Then why can't you understand that this is something we have to do?" Sirius asked.

Lily bit her bottom lip. "How would you feel if something happened? If something happened and you couldn't handle it? He's a fully grown werewolf, and you're three seventeen-year-old boys. What if—if you get—"

"We won't get killed," Sirius told her firmly.

"How do you know that?" Lily asked, and Peter and Sirius were silent. "How would _you_ feel if one of you died? If James died?"

Sirius opened his mouth to reply, but quickly closed it instead.

"I don't like this," Lily went on quietly. "I don't like it because it's dangerous and irresponsible and there _must_ be some better way to handle everything, but I suppose... I suppose I understand it, and I accept it."

"You—er, you do?" Peter asked, unsure.

She nodded. "I care about Remus, too, and I know I wish I could help him somehow."

"You could forgive him," Sirius suggested. "And James."

Lily smiled softly at him. "Of course," she responded. "Heaven knows I already have."

"Really?"

Lily turned behind her, noticing James and Remus, as though they'd been standing there for a few minutes. She glanced sideways at Sirius and Peter. "I suppose it's too late to take it back because they're both stupid gits?"

"I find that offensive," Remus said, crossing his arms.

"I was just coming down to say something," James murmured, "but you were talking and—I didn't want to interrupt so—oh, hell." He gave up trying to explain himself, flopping onto the ground.

"He was—er—just saying today, actually he didn't really think you'd forgive him," Peter muttered.

"Oi!" James half-shouted.

Lily rolled her eyes, folding her legs beneath her. "You're a prat, you know?"

James looked at her, clutching his heart in mock-indignation. "You wound me, Evans."

"You have no faith in me, Potter," she said shortly back.

"She's right, you know, Prongs," Sirius said.

Bickering followed, but Lily was distracted by a sudden realisation. '_Prongs'_, she thought to herself. It finally made sense. Of course, she'd always understood why they called Remus '_Moony'_, but she'd never really thought about the others. She then remembered practising Patronuses the year before in Defence Against the Dark Arts, and she swore remembered James laughing, reaching his hand out toward—

"A stag." She hadn't meant to say it out loud, but the words escaped her lips before she could stop herself. The talking around her stopped at once and they all turned to her. She looked up, smiling at James. "You're a stag, aren't you?"

He grinned broadly at her. "Yeah."

She kept thinking, trying to figure out the others. "'Wormtail'," she muttered. "You must be a rodent? Something like a—"

"A rat," Peter told her, apparently pleased with himself. She smiled warmly at him.

"And 'Padfoot'?" she asked, turning to Sirius.

"He's a mangy mutt," James said.

Sirius stuck his tongue out. "I'm a very handsome and lovable dog, thank you very much."

"I wonder what I'd be..." she thought quietly.

"Lily," James said slowly, "you're not transforming with us."

"And why not?"

"You'll get hurt."

She frowned at him. "Awfully hypocritical of you to point that out, don't you think?"

"I have to second what Prongs said," Sirius responded.

"I third it," Peter added, biting his lip.

"I most certainly won't allow it," Remus said quietly, staring at her. "I might not have been able to convince this lot, but I'd like to think you'd be smarter than them."

She smiled reluctantly. "Fine—I wasn't even convinced of it myself." She sighed. "So what _can_ I do to help?"

"You don't have to do anything," Remus told her kindly.

"But I _want _to," she pressed on.

James leaned forward, kissing her forehead. "Then you do what you do best," he told her.

She raised an eyebrow. "And what would that be?"

"Humiliate James?" Sirius offered. "Injure his pride?"

"Funny, Padfoot, really witty," James said sarcastically. "I was thinking something a little more practical."

Remus seemed to catch his drift. "Healing magic," he said simply.

"Moony's got the idea," James nodded. "Merlin knows that's our worst area of expertise, and, I mean, Madam Promfrey would get a little suspicious if we all showed up in the Hospital Wing with Remus after every full moon."

"And by the time our injuries heal, it's the next month and we're making more," Sirius sighed.

"Not exactly the best thing," Peter added, rubbing his arm thoughtfully.

"We could have our own personal Healer," James told Lily, smiling. "I know Madam Promfrey thinks you'll be brilliant, with a little training."

Lily bit her lip. "I—I don't know. I mean—"

James placed a hand on her cheek. "You'd be wonderful, I know it," he said. "Have a little more faith in yourself."

--

"Professor?" Lily asked, peering into the office. McGonagall looked up at her, appearing somewhat tired.

"Yes, Miss Evans?"

Lily entered the room, standing in front of her teacher's desk. "Er," she stammered awkwardly. "I wanted to let you know—I mean... I figured I should... Well, I decided what I want to do. For a career, I mean."

McGonagall raised her eyebrows, obviously taken aback. "You did?"

She nodded. "I think I'd like to be a Healer."

The professor smiled warmly at her. "I'm very pleased to hear that," she told Lily, shuffling some papers on her desk. "I imagine that Madam Promfrey will appreciate it, as well, after what she and Professor Dumbledore told me."

Lily flushed slightly, taking a seat opposite McGonagall, waiting to hear what she had to say next.

"Well, I suppose your schedule can be adjusted slightly. You can drop Arithmancy if you wish, but I believe you mentioned that was one of your favourite classes?" Lily nodded. "Well, in that case..." She shuffled through some parchment again. "I'd recommend you talk to Professor Flitwick about some extra books on advanced healing spells which he doesn't quite cover in his NEWT-level course. I believe Professor Slughorn covers just about everything you'll need to know in his class, but it might be wise to check with him. Now let me see..." She pulled out a piece of parchment from the pile in front of her, scanning it quickly. "Your grades are definitely high enough to meet the standards set forth by the Ministry." She smiled. "I have no doubt that you'll make a fine Healer, Miss Evans."

"Thank you, Professor," Lily smiled, pulling her bag onto her shoulder and standing up, walking out of the room.

James was waiting in the hallway for her, taking her hand in his the moment she reached him. "So it went well?" he asked.

She nodded, smiling. "She thinks I ought to talk to Flitwick and Slughorn about some extra books from them."

"Sounds like fun." James rolled his eyes and Lily playfully smacked his arm.

"She says I'll make a great Healer," she added in a tiny voice.

James kissed her hair. "Damn straight you will. I don't know why you didn't believe it before, with the first dozen people who told you, including yours truly."

Lily simply shrugged in response. She tugged his hand, and they started walking to Potions together. She wanted the chance to talk to Slughorn sooner rather than later.

"Here you are, Miss Evans," Slughorn beamed at her, handing her a book of healing potions. "Most of it has been covered in class, but what's not isn't very difficult. If you should ever need some practise, you're more than welcome to use my classroom."

"Thank you, Professor," she responded, taking the volume from him. She ran her hand over the smooth leather cover, smiling to herself as she took her seat with Snape. She caught him staring at her.

"What's that for?" he asked.

She simply continued to smile. "Healing potions," she told him. No smart remark, no biting insult or telling him to mind his own business. The book filled her with a sort of excitement and happiness. She wasn't about to ruin her moment by fighting with Snape.

He nodded curtly, just as Slughorn called for the students' attention. Lily didn't even look up, thumbing through the tome he'd given her. It would be the full moon that night, and she knew she'd have to be ready to perform her new duty in the morning.

Once she'd been given several books of charms by Flitwick, she settled herself in the common room for the evening with them and the one from Slughorn. The spells and potions fascinated her and she marked the pages of several which would be helpful—incantations for making cuts and bruises disappear as well as thick concoctions to be applied like lotions to prevent infections and reduce swelling. She studied the books until she drifted off into a light sleep, waiting for dawn and the return of James, Sirius, and Peter.

She smiled, stretching and turning over in the armchair where she was dozing. It wasn't the most comfortable, but she was anxious for the boys to return, unwilling to miss them until she saw them at breakfast. She'd whispered the incantations to herself a hundred times in the dark, brewing the potions inside her mind. She suddenly felt like she had a purpose, something for her to do, some way for her to help.

It went beyond helping her friends, beyond being there for Remus. She wanted to make a difference. She wanted to help people, to save people, to do for others what she was not able to do for Mary. She was in the middle of a war and she wanted to help. She wanted to do good when there was so much evil surrounding her, and this was the sort of magic she was best at. She liked the thought of it all, of helping people and saving lives. She liked the thought of being able to make a difference.

And she really liked how much faith they had in her, so certain that she'd do well, no question about it. She liked to think that her parents would have been proud of her, that they would have also thought so confidently that she would succeed as a Healer.

She yawned again, hugging the blanket she was under closer to her, waiting for sleep to overcome her once again before the sun rose, thinking of it all. She liked to think that she just might make a difference in this war.


	11. Chapter Ten

**In Love and War:  
Chapter Ten**

**Notes:** All I have left to do is edit the next/last chapter and write the epilogue and then I'm done this story. It's been a nice run, yeah? Stay tuned for a one-shot I've been working on, set in Sixth Year, and my next novel-length fan fiction following their Seventh Year, one which will be primarily plot-based with longer chapters and the like. It'll be pretty good, I think.

* * *

Spring came quickly, _too _quickly in Lily's opinion. With spring came studying and exams and their NEWTs, and then she'd graduate from Hogwarts. She'd be leaving her _home_, once and for all. It was all coming too fast for her.

She was finally settling into a routine, as well. She was getting used to helping James and their friends after the full moon, healing their cuts and bruises with the sunrise. She was enjoying the late night conversations the lot of them would have, joined by Frank and Alice on occasion, topics ranging from the most trivial, amusing things to serious, grave discussions about the state of the Wizarding world. She found herself constantly looking forward to Head duties with James in the middle of the night, during which he'd periodically point out that the corridor they were patrolling was empty and seconds later they'd be snogging heatedly against the wall behind them, hoping nobody would catch them.

She was even starting to get along with Snape again, making light conversation during their projects, even sharing an occasional smile or laugh over their potions. Maybe, she thought, just maybe things were going back to normal between them. It was as though they were starting fresh and she rather enjoyed having her old friend back by her side, no matter how imperfect and slightly awkward it was.

At night, when Lily lay in bed alone, she often wondered about the future. She wondered if there was a job waiting for her at St. Mungo's, or perhaps elsewhere. She wondered where she would be living once summer came around, if her parents left her enough money for a flat or if James would be willing to spare her a room at his parents' house until she was on her own feet. _James_. She often wondered about him, what would happen to the two of them after Hogwarts. She wondered if graduating would be an end or a beginning, if it would lead to a painful but eminent break-up or if it would lead to something much better, a beautiful future, possibly marriage and a family.

When the thought occurred to her, she'd bury her face in her pillow, blushing at the thought. She wondered if _he_ ever planned out their future at night, thinking of the guest list for their wedding and the names of their children. It was silly, she'd remind herself, to think of it anyway. They were young, still. They probably wouldn't last, and they would have time if they did.

At that reminder, she'd flop back onto her back, biting her lip and staring at the ceiling, eyes wide and mind working so quickly she knew she wouldn't get to sleep for another hour, at least. Was there really that much time to spare, in the middle of a war?

She seemed to get her response in the beginning of May, when Alice announced the happy news.

"Frank proposed," she beamed, flashing her hand at Lily.

Lily took Alice's hand, glancing at the beautiful ring around her finger. "Oh Alice!" she gasped. "Congratulations!"

"I expect you to be my maid of honour, of course," she told Lily, grinning broadly. "Frank reckons Sturgis Podmore will be his best man once he asks him. They've been best mates for ages, since they were little."

"Have you told your mum, yet?"

She nodded. "This morning. She's thrilled, already talking to Frank's mum about all the plans," she laughed lightly. "They want to make a big occasion of it."

"Well, it _is_ a big occasion," Lily pointed out. "You'll be getting _married_."

"I know, but..." Alice shrugged. "I always had this fairy tale wedding planned out in my head. It just doesn't seem quite right, any more."

"I know what you mean," Lily sighed. A silence settled as they both sadly thought of how things had changed since their were little. Once Lily had dreamt of a huge wedding in a beautiful cathedral with hundreds of guests; now, she wondered if she'd ever have the chance to marry. If she did, she wanted it to be a private, comfortable affair, somewhere outside with just her closest friends...

"We're planning it for August," Alice added off-handedly, reminding Lily of her presence.

"That's not far away at all," Lily said, taken aback.

"There's no time to waste," Alice replied sadly. "I mean, we're both fighting in this war and—and—Merlin, if something happened to either of us—"

Lily nodded glumly, staring at her hands. She'd had the same worries for months on end.

"I love him so much," Alice said in a tiny voice, one which Lily was so unaccustomed to from her friend. "I want to marry him more than I've ever wanted anything, Lily."

Lily swallowed hard, finding it suddenly hard to speak. She and Alice had never really spoken about their fears in the war—they always acted so strong for each other, and she was finding this sudden change in direction hard to take. They were so submerged in the fighting, closer to dying everyday, each at the age of eighteen. She still didn't want to think about what it meant. "There's nothing stopping you, Alice," she said, forcing a smile.

Alice blinked furiously, a few tears sliding down her rosy cheeks. She nodded quickly. "I know," she breathed. "I just... I don't want him to die."

"He'll be all right," Lily assured her, taking Alice's hand again, rubbing the back with her thumb. "We'll _all_ be just fine."

Alice gulped, swiping at her tears with her other hand. "I sure hope so."

The conversation had been slightly unsettling, and Lily found herself thoroughly distracted as she walked through the corridor with James on rounds later that night.

"What's wrong?" James asked, looking sideways at her and coming to a halt. "You're so quiet, tonight. More than usual."

Lily squeezed her eyes shut. "We're going to die, James," she said, barely audibly. "We're eighteen years old and we're about to die. This war is going to kill us."

He put a hand on her face, comfortingly stroking her cheek with his thumb. "Why do you think that?"

"I was talking to Alice today," she muttered, gulping. "She's marrying Frank in just a few months because she's so afraid of losing him. I can't blame her. Everyday the obituaries in the _Prophet _are going to get more and more familiar once we're graduated, once we're _out there_. It'll start out with just a few of our acquaintances every few weeks until it's our best friends, every single day."

James gently pulled her close, cooing to her as he stroked her hair. "Shh, Lily..."

"I can't do it James," she said roughly. "I can't lose everyone, I can't—I can't lose _you_."

His grip tightened on her. "You won't lose me," he said firmly. "I promise."

"Never?" she asked, feeling a bit like a child in doing so.

"Never," he assured. "And I refuse to ever lose you, either."

"Never," she murmured, her arms tightly around him.

--

It was as though, that night, her relationship with James had changed. She suddenly felt so confident that he would always be there for her, waiting for her and ready to help her in any way he was needed. Her relationship seemed to change with all of the marauders; they suddenly seemed closer to her, always around to be her friends and care for her when needed. She really did feel as though they were her new family and it felt so incredibly right.

Maybe, she told herself, just maybe things would be all right, after all, and she was very content with the thought.

"You seem awfully happy today."

His voice was so small and it took her by surprise. She smiled softly at him, washing out some of the phials in the Potions classroom. "I suppose I am," she muttered.

"Any particular reason?" Snape asked.

It was so strange, the way they were talking, as though the last two years hadn't happened, as though they were fifteen again, chatting eagerly after classes as they used to.

Lily shrugged. "Not really," she laughed. "Just in a good mood, I guess, excited for the future and all that."

"That's good."

A comfortable silence settled between them as they continued to clean the dungeon, as per Professor Slughorn's request (at the offer of extra credit on their Veritaserum—which Lily had been right about him expecting them to brew). She wondered if maybe this was some sort of sign that things were returning to normal, that everything was looking up after all. Exams were finally over, and everything seemed to be going well.

"Can I talk to you about something?" Snape asked, his voice suddenly sounding a little strange. He slowly put down the flask he was cleaning and stared at her.

Looking around the now spotless room, Lily thought that there was definitely time to chat. "Sure," she told him, curious as to what he thought was so important.

"It's something that's been on my mind for a while," he said quietly. "Especially recently."

"What is it?" she asked hesitantly, worried that it was something to do with Dark Magic, with being a Death Eater. She took a deep breath and convinced herself that it was nothing, that none of that was true about him, anyway.

"I think... I'm in love with you."

Of anything she thought it could be, she certainly hadn't expected that. "Wh-what?" she stammered.

"Lily, I'm in love with you," he said, his black eyes boring into hers. "I have been for a long time."

She shook her head. "If you loved me, you wouldn't have done a lot of the things that you did."

"Please," he said softly, coming close to her now. She felt as though she was rooted in the spot, unable to feel her legs enough to move them. She was so dazed and confused, unsure of what was really happening. "I never meant any of it. You _have_ to know that."

She shook her head again. It wasn't true. "Sev, no, you—"

Suddenly, Severus awkwardly grabbed her face, leaning in quickly. Lily's eyes widened almost unnaturally as he kissed her.

"Oi!"

At the voice, Snape immediately released her, pushing her away somewhat roughly so that she tripped, her knee colliding painfully with the cold stone floor.

"What do you think you were doing?" Sirius asked, striding quickly into the room, drawing his wand out at Snape. Lily was breathing fast now, still on all fours, afraid of the fight that would follow. She'd been wondering the very thing that Sirius had—the kiss seemed to come out of nowhere. All of it had.

"It's none of your business, Black!" Snape spat, colour rising in his pale cheeks.

"As that's my best mate's girl, I reckon it is my business!"

"Sirius, please," Lily pleaded softly, looking up at him.

He gazed sadly down at her, offering his hand to her. She graciously took it, standing gingerly, glancing briefly at her skinned knee.

"Come on," Sirius said, pocketing his wand and putting his arm around her shoulders.

"Fine, Black!" Snape shouted angrily as the two walked away. "Let Potter have that Mudblood!"

Sirius's grip around Lily tightened and she felt his body stiffen, but they kept walking. Finally, when they were alone in a corridor, he stopped her.

"You all right?" he asked, brushing some hair out of her face.

She nodded, rubbing her arm nervously. "You know that he kissed _me_, right?" she asked softly. "Not the other way around?"

"Of course," Sirius assured her, smiling. "I know you really love James and wouldn't do anything like that." He paused for a moment. "How's that knee of yours?"

"Fine," she muttered. "I've seen worse."

"Any emotional damage?"

She smiled slightly. "I'm more than a bit confused and I feel a little strange, but other than that..."

"Are you sure?" he asked. She suddenly realised what he was referring to.

"It hurts less and less every time he calls me 'Mudblood'," she said softly.

Sirius quickly hugged her, holding her tightly and patting her back. "He's a rotten git," he whispered into her ear.

She nodded into his chest, clutching fistfuls of Sirius's shirt. No matter what she said, it still hurt her when he said such horrible things, when he set her off on such a wretched emotional roller coaster. It wasn't fair, and she just wanted it to be over.


	12. Chapter Eleven

**In Love and War:  
Chapter Eleven**

**Notes:** I must thank everyone for the reviews. Never before have I gotten so many wonderful reviews. Over a hundred, and all so kind. You guys are amazing. I'm sad that I have so little left for you. Do not fear, though, there will still be an epilogue, but that will be all. Well, here you go!

* * *

As it turned out, it was the night of the full moon, so Lily refused to immediately tell James of the night's events. She was all too aware that he would insist on staying with her; she also knew that Remus needed James more than she did. She figured that if she somehow convinced him of this, it would put him at risk by serving as a distraction, anyway. She didn't want him to get seriously injured because he was too busy plotting Snape's murder, so it all just seemed easier to wait.

Instead, Sirius convinced her to spend the evening in the common room with Frank and Alice. He told her he didn't feel right leaving her alone, making her promise to stay in her friend's company. He even gave her one of the two-way mirrors she had seen James and him using before when they were in separate classes or detentions, instructing her on how to use it if she needed them and promising to contact her once Remus was human again and he, James, and Peter were free.

She hugged him tightly before he went down to the Whomping Willow, thanking him for everything. She could see why James cared so deeply about him, and she was thankful they were friends, as well.

"Now," Alice said to Lily once Sirius had gone, "do you mind telling me why it's so important we keep an eye on you?"

The common room was empty by then, except for Frank, Alice, and her. She took a seat by the fire, chewing on her bottom lip. "I had a bit of a run-in with Snape."

Frank was shaking his head and Alice immediately fired up.

"I swear," she said angrily, "he needs to learn to stay away. What did he do now?"

"He kissed me."

The couple stared blankly at her.

"Are you serious?" Alice asked quietly.

Lily nodded. "I'm not much in the mood to talk about it, honestly."

"Understandable," Frank said kindly. "You don't have to."

Lily sunk back into her armchair, her head aching. She kept expecting to wake up and find out that none of it had really happened, that it was just some bizarre dream she was having. Snape didn't love her—he _couldn't_. He wouldn't have constantly insulted her if he did, he wouldn't have hurt James, he wouldn't have done any of the things he did. Though, she reminded herself, he was constantly fighting for her, always trying to apologise, even if it did no good. But then he'd turn around and do something just as horrible again, and they were back where they'd started.

"Lily?"

She sat up sharply, blinking furiously. She noticed Frank and Alice, asleep together on the sofa, dawn's light filtering through the thick windows.

Suddenly, it occurred to her who was speaking, and she quickly felt around the chair for where the mirror might have slid. She reached down the crack and pulled it out.

"Sirius?" she asked quietly.

"Ah," he responded from the mirror. "I wanted to let you know—Remus transformed back. Peter fell asleep a while ago, but James and I are about to head back."

"Frank and Alice are asleep in the common room, so I'll meet you by the lake," Lily said softly. He nodded in response before disappearing, and Lily was gazing at her own tired reflection.

She hurriedly grabbed her wand from the table, rushing out of the common room and down the many flights of stairs. Her knees felt weak and she was exhausted, but she focused on her destination, thinking only of seeing James. He would be down by the lake; he would be waiting for her, just as was promised.

She reached the front doors, breathing deeply. She pushed them open, walking quickly to the two figures she spotted lounging by the lake. She couldn't wait to be in James's arms again, the arms in which she belonged, not Snape's.

She saw him glance up at her as she took a seat next to him, Sirius giving her a wary smile. Both James and Sirius looked rather battered, completely bruised and bloodied, more than she'd ever seen them.

"My god," she muttered, examining a particularly nasty gash on James's forearm, still oozing blood. "Rough night?" she asked darkly.

"I was going to ask Padfoot that," James responded, wincing as Lily drew her wand tip over the long cut. "I've never seen you so aggressive, mate."

Lily looked softly at Sirius, biting her bottom lip.

He shrugged, looking away. "I had some stuff on my mind."

"Obviously," James said shortly. "Damn near tore my arm off."

Sirius just stared at the surface of the lake, reflecting the beautiful hues of dawn. Lily sighed, putting down her wand. "It's my fault," she murmured.

"What?" James asked, bemused.

"I didn't want to tell you earlier because I thought you'd worry and—well..." She turned away, unable to face him. "I'm sorry," she muttered apologetically, unable to go on.

"What's going on?" James asked fiercely, staring at her.

"Snape," Sirius said quietly, still gazing at the lake. "That rotten git kissed her."

"He _what?_" James asked furiously.

"He kissed me," Lily sighed. "We were cleaning out the Potions classroom, and it was just us. He said he had something to tell me and—and he told me that he—he loves me." She looked down. "I feel so horrible. I never meant for him to think that I felt something for him, too... he must have, or else he wouldn't have said anything..."

"It's not your fault," Sirius said, suddenly looking at her sadly.

Lily shook her head. "Anyway, after that he grabbed me and kissed me. Sirius walked in and, well, then he pushed me away."

"Are you all right?" James asked.

She nodded. "I scraped my knee, but I'm fine."

"I'm sorry he hurt you, Lily," James said softly, taking her in his newly-healed arms. "I am so incredibly sorry."

"We were _so _close," she breathed. "He and I were becoming friends again, it was all working out so well, and then... It just fell apart."

James gently rubbed her back, running his fingers through her long scarlet hair. She gently pulled away from him, gazing sadly at the ground.

"Do you think..." she muttered, "that it's horrible if I give up?"

"_Horrible?" _Sirius laughed coldly, clearly giving his opinion of the matter as he did.

James looked troubled, glancing at Sirius and hesitating for a few moments. "I don't really know," he told her slowly. "I mean, part of me hates him, thinks he's a nasty little git, especially when he keeps hurting you but... Well, I know you care about him." Lily nodded as he stopped again. "Maybe, though, it's time to let go."

She looked down at the ground, feeling as though the bottom of her stomach had dropped out. Give up on her best friend, once and for all? There had always been this small, shining hope that maybe things would work out with him again. No matter what he did or said, she still cared about him and wanted to be his friend again. Could she really give that up?

James cupped her face in his hand. "It's not really a one-way street, Lily," he said sadly. "All this hurt says that maybe you value this relationship more than he does."

"He said he loves me," she told him in a tiny voice. "If he loves me, then—then doesn't he care about us being together?"

"If he loves you," he said softly in reply, "then why does he keep hurting you like this?"

"I don't know," she muttered. "I just... I was so hopeful, all this time, but... I can't keep doing this."

He brushed her hair out of her face, smiling tiredly at her. Lily vaguely wondered what time it was, the sun creeping ever higher into the sky. Sirius was now lying on his back, sleep overcoming him.

"I love you," Lily murmured, smiling weakly back at James.

"I love you, too," he responded brightly, kissing her chastely on the lips, taking her in his arms and leaning back onto the grass. She rested her head on his chest, listening to the rhythm of his breathing and his heartbeat, tracing delicate shapes lightly on his stomach. They seemed to lie there forever, James simply stroking her hair, as they watched the shadows around them grow taller with the rising sun. She loved him more than she thought possible; this, she knew, was perfection.

He stared awkwardly down at her for a moment before asking, "Would you marry me?"

"Get a ring," Lily told him smartly, grinning teasingly, "and maybe I'll consider it."

Suddenly, James reached into his pocket, digging something out from its depths. Lily felt a small, cool, metal circle being pushed into her palm. She sat up, her heart pounding as she fingered the old-fashioned ring, a beautiful design imprinted in the metal, a small crystal smoothly incorporated. It wasn't a huge crystal or really fancy, but it was gorgeous nonetheless, the perfect ring in her eyes.

"I—James—"

Her mind was racing. Surely they were too young, too newly in love... They hadn't even been dating a year, hardly even friendly for a good portion of their schooling. It was still so fresh between them as they both still stumbled to find their way. Surely, it would never work.

He kissed Lily gently, quickly, staring at her softly with his hazel eyes after they had parted.

"Marry me, Lily," he breathed, smiling ever so slightly.

A sudden thought invaded her mind—there they were, in the middle of a war, prepared to fight.

If they were truly in love, then why not prove it through such a commitment? Their days might be numbered, and they'd already lightly discussed the fact that they wanted to spend their lives, however short they might be, together.

"Yes," she said. "Yes, of course."

Immediately James kissed her, more heatedly this time. After a long moment they parted, and James delicately slid the ring onto Lily's finger.

And for what seemed like the first time in ages, she felt the familiar prickling sensation in the backs of her eyes which always preceded tears. Warm and salty, they rolled down her cheeks in happiness, and she was certain that her life would be livable, after all.

--

The students had begun to board the carriages, at long last. Again Lily caught a glimpse of the thestrals, gazing at them thoughtfully. Since she'd seen them last she'd witnessed another death, and they seemed completely unchanged and unbothered. She wondered how many other friends she would watch die before her own life was taken.

She smiled at the creatures. Death was a natural part of life, and she certainly couldn't hate these beasts just because of what they reminded her of. After all, as every day moved slowly forward, the pain she felt was ebbed away.

Lily took a carriage with the marauders, sitting close to James, his arm draped casually around her shoulders. A sort of sadness was tangible in the air at the thought of not returning to Hogwarts next autumn.

"Oi," Sirius said, and Lily and James both jerked their heads up to look at him. "When did you start wearing jewelry, Evans?"

Now Peter and Remus were also staring at Lily's hand as she smiled sheepishly.

"That's an engagement ring," Remus said, half-laughing.

"You two are engaged?" Peter asked incredulously.

"That is generally what an engagement ring means, Wormtail," James replied very seriously.

"How could you not tell me, your _best_ _mate?" _Sirius asked offensively.

James shifted uncomfortably. "Well, you know.." he muttered. "I didn't want you to take the mickey out of me if she said no."

Lily shook her head. "Again, you show that you have absolutely no faith in me."

"Yes I do! I have loads of faith in you!" James told her quickly, and Lily laughed.

"So everything's going to change now, isn't it?" Peter asked in a small voice.

"Don't be stupid, Wormtail," Sirius said. "Everything will be exactly the same, only it'll be the Potter house we'll be frequenting instead of the common room, and it'll be the lovely Mrs. Potter here doing the cooking instead of the House Elves."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "I don't want you lot in my house."

"Of course you do," Remus smiled. "Can you imagine life without us?"

"I do hope you'll announce yourselves before you visit," James told them. He wiggled his eyebrows mischievously, adding, "You know how newlyweds can be." He buried his nose in the back of her neck, kissing her playfully.

Lily pushed him away, smacking him. "Prat," she said, laughing.

"On second thought," Sirius said to the others in a low voice, "if they're going to be like _that_, I don't want to visit them."

"Can you imagine life without us?" Lily asked teasingly, imitating Remus.

"Actually," Sirius said, smiling warmly, "I really can't."

Lily felt her eyes swimming with tears, her heart expanding to the point of near-bursting. She took a deep breath. "I expect you all to come over for dinner every week—actually, every night. And maybe lunch, too. I'd say breakfast, but I don't imagine that you're morning people. You can come over for tea whenever you want, really, and whenever you just want to chat—"

"Oi," James said, laughing. "We do want _some_ time to ourselves, don't we?"

Lily blushed. "Well, yes, of course, but—"

"And you thought things would be different, Peter," Remus smiled.

Sirius shook his head, smiling. "Things couldn't change, even if we wanted them to," he said.


	13. Epilogue

**In Love and War:  
Epilogue**

**What's this? **I finished. I hope you enjoy because this was a toughie, and I'm not entirely satisfied. However, I'm glad for it to be done, as this is now the longest fic I've ever finished.

Immediately to come, a story I also finished recently, giving a slightly different look to a budding relationship Lily and James, and after that, an almost entirely plot-based story. I know, I know! "Plot? Sarah, are you serious?" Why, yes, I am. However, that might take quite a while for me to write. It's going to be long and (hopefully) exciting.

--

It was early November and the air was slightly cool, and it was raining (though not enough to really get wet). To Lily, the temperature didn't matter because the day was utter perfection, even if it was a little chilly. Besides, hadn't her mother always told her that rain was good luck on your wedding day?

Everything had gone just as planned thus far. James had slept at Sirius's flat, despite Lily's protests—it was really just a silly old myth to her, it wouldn't bring them bad luck to see each other that morning. He arrived, easily avoiding Lily as she prepared herself in the guest room behind closed doors, James getting ready in the bedroom they would soon share. Downstairs, Alice and Remus were in charge of any arriving guests, showing them into the backyard, letting them socialise until at last the wedding began.

And, just as planned, Lily walked down the aisle, where she and James said their vows and were pronounced husband and wife.

Afterwards, they ate under a canopy, laughing and chatting happily, until at last it came time for Sirius to stand, clearing his throat dramatically and tapping his champagne glass with a piece of silverware. Everyone fell silent, looking up at him.

He smiled at everyone, shifting his glass to his other hand and taking a deep breath.

"If I am completely honest with you," he said, his voice carrying over the small group, Lily eagerly taking them in, just breathing them in, "then I must say that I never thought we'd end up here, celebrating these two people as they commit themselves to each other for the rest of their lives.

"I'm sorry, mate," he went on, putting his hand on James's shoulder, "but when you told me in Third Year that you were going to marry her one day, I thought you were mad. Well, all right, I _knew _you were mad."

Lily smiled. She thought he'd been crazy, too, to never give up on what she saw as a stupid dream, constantly asking her just to go out with him.

"But when you told me in the summer after Fifth Year that she was completely right about you, how stupid and childish all your motives had been," Sirius continued, "I realised that you would do just about anything for this woman, and it was only a matter of time.

"A year, actually. It took you one year to prove that you were worthy of her. When she finally saw it, though, the road was still just as bumpy.

"But somehow," he said, half-smiling, "you found love. And it was then I knew something that I'm not so sure either of you did—there was no turning back. It didn't matter what happened, what stupid fights you had, any disagreements or misunderstandings.. From that point, it would be the two of you, always."

There was a strange sort of feeling in Lily's chest as her heart seemed to expand twice its size. She'd never thought of it like that, not in the slightest, but it seemed so true. After it all came together, after she was certain she loved him, it wasn't a matter of whether they would fix things when it all seemed to fall apart, but a question as to when.

Always. It was always going to be the two of them. 'Til death do they part.

Sirius sighed happily and raised his glass. "To the happy couple, that they may know nothing but joy for the rest of their lives," he said, grinning broadly at them. "To Lily and James."

With that, everyone followed, also lifting their glasses and chiming in unison, "To Lily and James."

--

**Thank you - **I'd love to thank all my wonderful readers. You've been amazing from the start. Honestly, over 100 reviews? That's never happened to me -- not even close. I owe so much to you, and keep an eye out for my other stories if you like this one.


End file.
